by Aengus Cargo

“A TOP TEN LIST? Really? Are you fucking kidding me, Cargo? You do not appear to have the qualifications to make such a list, what with your lack of tooth gaps and, well, jeez. I mean, you? A Top Ten list? Gawd. You must be out of mate–OW!”

No.

As the American Dream™ continues to gnaw on every last bit of exposed flesh it can pick from our flailing limbs, it will no doubt, for many of us, also eat those debt-strangled, rapidly depreciating havens of dirty secrets, personal failure and indoor allergens known as parcels of real estate.

It will eventually, after a judicial process, a waiting period and probably more judicial processes, send a henchman or three to, at long last, relieve you of the burdens of homeownership and shelter.

But, come on. People in any line of work are nonetheless good, hard-working people too! They know just as well as anybody that remembers what it’s like to be employed in recent memory that work sucks and is hard, and comic relief can get us through even the toughest of times.

Accordingly, when the Evicto Man comes to summon you to your shiny new life as a spent munition in America’s War on Prosperity, here are the:

TOP TEN ADVISORIES FOR YOUR FRIENDLY FORECLOSURE EVICTION REPRESENTATIVE!

10.
“See, I spell it ‘Waynescoting,’ because this stuff is made from actual Waynes and Scots.”

9.
“Well, Gummi worms are so much easier on the back than Pergo™.”

8.
“Won’t be the first time this place has been ‘possessed’!”

7.
“This house is not only the historic site of remakes of ‘Silence of the Lambs’ and ‘Grease II,’ using actual lambs and grease — most recently I’ve been using the space to film gay chocolate mousse porn for the past six months.

…Hope you’ve got a chisel.”

6.
“You will marvel at the sound-dampening capabilities of refried beans and R-35 grade tortillas.”

5.
“I’ve been breeding fighting wasps who don’t respond well to being taken from the only home they’ve ever known.”

4.
“The next owner will be lucky to have such a radiant living space.”

3.
“The spare key’s in the toaster oven, underneath the rock”

2.
“Right this way! Don’t mind the typewriter and cigarette.”

And, the number 1 advisory to give your friendly foreclosure eviction man:
“THAT’S NOT STUCCO!”

*flying index card* *glass breaks* *uncomfortable silence I’ve grown accustomed to*

Not enough Top-Ten for you? Well, as the golden shower enthusiast said to the Yellow Leprechaun™, urine luck! JAZZ from HELL has a list as well. Pot of gold, indeed.