It’s time baseball players were allowed to carry guns on the field

CATEGORY: SportsYesterday, the second best pitcher on the LA Dodgers, Zack Greinke, had his collarbone broken by an out-of-control Carlos Quentin.

If Greinke had only had a right to carry a gun in the workplace, this all could have been avoided. He was denied that right because of an aggressive anti-Second Amendment stance by Major League Baseball.

Zack Greinke, who is white, is an outstanding pitcher and former all-star, having won the Cy Young in 2009 and this year having signed a six year contract worth $147 million with the Dodgers. (That’s about $5,000 per pitch.) Mr. Quentin, who makes roughly 1/3 of what Mr. Greinke makes and is of Hispanic descent, has a habit of stepping in front of pitches. In this case, after being hit he charged the mound and viciously slammed into Greinke, breaking his non-throwing shoulder. Both dugouts immediately emptied. Greinke is out for at least eight weeks, although there is no timetable on how long it will take him to fully recover, if ever. This represents a loss of roughly $5 million dollars for the Dodgers and two to three wins.

If Greinke had been armed with a handgun, even a small one, this likely would not have happened. He was not, even though everyone else in Dodger Stadium probably was, because of an antiquated and unreasonable ban on such weapons by MLB.

Guns have proven to be a useful deterrent to violence in other sports. In the NBA, when Gilbert Arenas of the Washington Wizards (formerly the Bullets) refused to pay a gambling debt and pulled four guns on fellow player Javaris Crittenton, Crittenton was able to defuse the situation by pulling a gun of his own from his locker. However, the NBA, like MLB, has an aggressive anti-gun stance and suspended Crittenton, later releasing him. He continues to be hounded even today, as he was arrested last week by the FBI and charged with 12 counts, including murder, stemming from a pre-emptive self-defense situation in Atlanta. Mr. Crittenton attended Georgia Tech and is a member of numerous charitable and social organizations, including the Crips.

It’s time for professional sports to join the 21st century. There’s ample proof that guns prevent crime and guns in the workplace save lives. It’s time to give professional baseball players the same rights as policemen, airline pilots and kindergarten teachers.

UPDATED: Waiting for a package: delivery guarantees deciphered #wtf

I ordered something from an online retailer last week and in checkout I selected the 3-7 day delivery option. As a public service, I thought I’d take a few moments of the time I’m spending sitting by the mailbox to deconstruct some shipping terminology for you.

Here’s the term: Guaranteed delivery in 3-7 business days. Seems straightforward enough. But what does it mean specifically?

  1. Start with the “3.” That part is from Marketing. Continue reading

Beyond manscaping: age-defying lift!

By Patrick Vecchio

I was walking through our mall’s major department store the other day on my way to the men’s section. Repeat: the men’s section. I don’t think they’ll even let a guy into the section if he’s into manscaping. So—did I mention I was on my way to the men’s section?

To get there, I had to walk through the women’s section. I was passing through with my eyes fixed straight ahead, a determined look on my face so if anyone saw me in the women’s section, he or she would say, “That man is on his way to the men’s section. Look at his collar. Look at all the hair coming out from under it. He’s probably got more hair on his chest than a sheep has wool. Continue reading

Dear officer: it isn't my fault that Coloradans drive like dicks

To: The Broomfield, CO Police Officer Who Pulled Me Over the Other Night
From: Sam Smith
Re: Goddamned Colorado Drivers

To begin with, sir (I’m sorry that I didn’t catch your name while we were exchanging pleasantries, and my regards to your family, by the way), I’d like to thank you for only giving me a warning. I realize that you could have written me a citation, as I was clearly guilty of making a lane change without signaling. Twice. I would like to explain myself, however, by way of an observation or two about the state of driving (and manners) in Colorado, a beautiful place that confers motor vehicle operating privileges on any self-involved, belligerent jackhat who can schlep him or herself into a DMV office. Continue reading

Bashing Obama’s America, fringe snatches victory from defeat

By Robert Becker

In the brilliant movie Chinatown, the cornered, luckless hero (Gittes) demands the villain’s motivation:

Gittes: I just want to know what you’re worth. Over ten million?
Cross: Oh my, yes!
Gittes: Why are you doing it? How much better can you eat? What can you buy that you can’t already afford?
Cross: The future, Mr. Gits – the future.

So drives today’s Republican providential villainy: at home, the conscious, cynical wholesale demolition of modern, secular, middle-class America – overseas, smashing medieval, non-Christian states that offend its entitled vision of the future. Sacrificing one White House race works if it sullies the waters of governance, seizes the Senate, and holds the House: onward rightwing soldiers marching off to ’14 and ’16 wars. Continue reading

Tired of politics? Here, have some cake.

by Terry Hargrove

This has been the most interesting, and by interesting I mean hilarious, presidential election I’ve ever experienced. See the tears? I must be laughing really hard. It seems meaningless to criticize the Republican candidates, since they’re doing such a great job on each other. The primary season is doing its work: eventually, we will hate them all.

Romney is in trouble. He is assuming that, eventually, the base will rally to him, but he misses the point. If you want to defeat an incumbent, you don’t need supporters to rally. The bingo club rallies. They have to flock to Mitt, and if they don’t, he’s flucked. Santorum? Really? That would look good on a bumper sticker. If you are part of that over 60, undo-your-pants-on Thanksgiving demographic, then he’s your guy. Ron Paul has the young Republicans, all 43 of them, and he’s the only one I’ve given serious consideration to. I like Ron Paul. Sometimes. But when I don’t like him, I really don’t like him. And then there’s Newt, the man with a plan for a moon base.

Newt Rogers of the 25th Century. Continue reading

Nota Bene #122: OWStanding

“When I lie on the beach there naked, which I do sometimes, and I feel the wind coming over me and I see the stars up above and I am looking into this very deep, indescribable night, it is something that escapes my vocabulary to describe. Then I think: ‘God, I have no importance. Whatever I do or don’t do, or what anybody does, is not more important than the grains of sand that I am lying on, or the coconut that I am using for my pillow.'” Who said it? Continue reading

Nota Bene #121: Birds of an Ancient Feather

“Television is an invention whereby you can be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn’t have in your house.” Who said it? The answer is at the end of this post. Now on to the links! Continue reading

What's the matter with Texas? (I think it has something to do with testosterone, but I'm not sure what…)

I spent yesterday in Houston on business. Excuse me, I meant “bidniss.” I had to do some interviews with physicians around town, so I spent a good bit of time in the rent-a-car driving from airport to center, center to next center, center back to airport, etc. And sitting in traffic on the freeway. And turning around and trying to find the exit I missed because accurate road signs aren’t the city’s top priority. Or a medium priority. Or even a low priority.

Anyhow, before this trip, I don’t believe I had ever heard a radio advertisement for anything testosterone related. Ever. But by golly, yesterday I heard dozens. Literally, dozens. I found a sports talk station as I was rolling out of the Hertz lot and I just left it on (because I like sports and also, it’s far less brain-damaging than music radio is these days) and honest to sweet baby Jesus, there were at least two testosterone spots in every commercial break. Continue reading

Nota Bene #120: Crazy Ivan

“If you can make a woman laugh, you’re seeing the most beautiful thing on God’s earth.” Who said it? Continue reading

Nota Bene #119: Think! It Ain't Illegal Yet

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” Who said it? Continue reading

On Richard Pryor: It was something he said

Richard PryorThe great medieval poet Geoffrey Chaucer created timeless characters in his Canterbury Tales; archetypal personalities such as the Wife of Bath and the Miller endure to this day. Through them Chaucer could readily celebrate, criticize and satirize different aspects of the society of his time. Additionally, Chaucer, as a public servant and man of the people, preserved a vernacular that may otherwise have been lost.

The late Richard Pryor, often hailed as the greatest comic to ever take the stage, is the American Chaucer. A master storyteller in the grand tradition of West African griots, fired by passion and pain, possessed of keen insight, he was also a brilliant impersonator with amazing range, an intuitive actor who never got his due, a social critic, a writer, a folklorist, a philosopher, and, most importantly, one funny motherfucker… Continue reading

Sarah, Newt or Herman? Yes, Herman. Decision 2012

We know (or think we know) who’s representing the blue team in the 2012 presidential race, but have no idea who’s representing the red team. And every day another Republican wannabe is either forming an exploratory committee or issuing an unconvincing denial. Sheesh, this is turning into a game of 43 Man Squamish.

We could wait while the process plays out. But that’s no fun. Instead, let’s find out the answer right now.  Just as the NCAA uses a playoff format to determine the college basketball champion, we’ll use the same methodology to predict the 2012 Republican Presidential Candidate. We will even improve on the NCAA system by creating brackets composed of similar types of candidates. (It is sorta like the NCAA had one bracket for tall teams, one for fast teams, one for teams John Calipari has or will get put on NCAA probation, etc.) Continue reading

Of Mice and Men…and more mice

by Terry Hargrove

It’s the beginning of March, and if I was teaching somewhere, which I am not, I would be teaching poetry right about now. There was always a brief window to teach poetry, before the sun rose too high, and I lost my charges to fun and crap like that. So the beginning of March was perfect. Cold, clammy, death-like March, the season of grief and sonnets.

And it was always a hard sell. In middle school, I typically introduced my middle school students to real poetry. For many of them, it’s the first time they’ve waded past Shel Silverstein and into the murky metaphoric waters beyond. It’s also when I am inevitably tricked into reading large tracts of adolescent poetry written about old boyfriends or girlfriends or others “who have done me wrong.” Continue reading

Capitalism, raw and bloody

by Terry Hargrove

I took my family to the aquarium in Mystic last week, because it was Presidents’ Day. I’m lying. I took them because I like the aquarium. True, the price of admission is steep, the fish all look small and terrified, and the over-priced food isn’t very good, but we enjoy the beluga whales, and I can‘t look at penguins without cracking up. A penguin is Nature’s stand-up comic. But at the end of the day, I had to balance the joy of penguins by facing the horror of the gift shop.

“Dad? Can I have this stuffed shark?” Joey asked.

“No,” I said. “How much does it cost?”

“Only $44.95,” he said.

“Oh. Then I’ll change my answer. From no to Hell No.” Continue reading

Take a stand and make your own New Year's anti-resolutions

by Lisa Barnard

I’ll say it. I hate New Year’s Resolutions. Mostly because, let’s be honest, I either forget about them after about a month (…okay, a week) or am just such a complete failure at them that it just destroys my already tenuous self-esteem.

But also, it’s just annoying, really. It reminds me of the type of people I don’t like. The ones who get up at 5am every day just for kicks, and by 6am have gone to the gym, read the paper, cooked and fed their kids breakfast, ran a marathon, meditated, went to a hot yoga class and shoveled six driveways. Continue reading

Nota Bene #118: VOTE!

“I am not fit for this office and should never have been here.” Who said it? Continue reading