Tag: satire

McCain threatens bombing China over U.S. flag sales

On the heels of news that millions of American flags are actually imported from China, Republican presidential nominee John McCain addressed the issue this Fourth of July morning outside a flag factory in Fredericksburg, Virginia.

“All options must be on the table to deal with China’s infiltration of our flag market,” McCain said to a cheering and U.S.-made flag-waving crowd. “If we find that China manufactured and sold us these millions of American flags intentionally and for the purpose of tainting our great country in any way, we might have no other option than to bomb these Chinese flag production sites and trade routes, their business associates, and their friends and family.”

Charlie Black plans terror attacks in key swing states

After critics questioned the appropriateness of John McCain’s chief strategist, Charlie Black, saying a terrorist attack on American soil would benefit his candidate, yesterday Black took that notion one step farther.

Appearing on Today, Black told co-host Matt Lauer, “With Wednesday’s Quinnipiac University poll showing Senator Obama leading in Pennsylvania, Ohio and Florida, we’ve redoubled our efforts regarding terror attacks here at home, from mere wishful thinking to targeted planning.”

McCain camp launches NameIsMcCainNotMcSame.com

In response to charges that John McCain’s presidency would amount to a third term for George W. Bush, the McCain campaign debuted a new website today, NameIsMcCainNotMcSame.com.

The homepage explains, “Though John McCain does agree with President Bush on the necessity of the war in Iraq and staying there to get the job done, seeking to overturn Roe v. Wade, immunity for telecom companies’ illegal wiretapping, not speaking with our enemies, offshore drilling, limiting legal rights of detainees, targeting Iran for attack, school vouchers, banning same-sex marriages, opposing increased education benefits for veterans, making current tax cuts permanent, the economy, healthcare, expanding genetically modified food production, and eliminating habeas corpus, or that he voted 95% of the time with the president in 2007 and 100% of the time in 2008, Senator McCain differs greatly with President Bush on a wide variety of issues.”

The site goes on to list many of their divergent stances:

Media's lack of focus on Puff Daddy's name change

Though the media did report this week that rap mogul P. Diddy changed his name back to Puff Daddy, its coverage was far too limited for such a newsworthy event.

To be fair, it was a heady news week. And we do commend the media for tackling the other stories that affect Americans and the world most: a pig wearing boots, foreigners trying to buy Budweiser’s brewer, Hulk Hogan’s wife dating a 19-year-old , a federal judge caught posting sexually explicit photos on his website, the sighting of a one-horned deer, how Preparation H shrinks love handles, why NYC is seeking more visas for hot foreign models, a pregnant male sea dragon, the scourge of “momnesia”, an eight-limbed girl, scientists gone wild, and the groundbreaking study that found women in bikinis make men more impulsive.

Jesus denounces McCain, endorses Obama

In a stunning turn of events Thursday, the Son of God endorsed Barack Obama for President while rejecting and distancing himself from presumptive Republican nominee John McCain.

Outside an Applebee’s off the New Jersey Turnpike in Paramus yesterday, Jesus Christ told reporters, “Look, it’s been a very divisive primary season between Barack and Hillary. I thought my support would aid the healing process and help unify the Democrats.”

Asked if he was a registered Democrat, Jesus replied, “I’m actually registered with the Green Party. But no amount of faith and prayer will get their candidate elected.” Christ clarified, “I perform miracles, but there are limits.”

WH: McClellan Misled Us, Not "Doughy-Faced Goebbels"

The Bush administration and its surrogates are stepping up attacks against former press secretary Scott McClellan over his explosive White House memoir.

Ari Fleischer, President Bush’s first press secretary and McClellan’s old boss, elaborated this morning on previous statements from several current and former Bush administration officials that “this is not the Scott I know.”

Speaking with NBC Today co-host Matt Lauer, Fleisher said, “You know, Matt, the guy we all knew seemed completely willing to disseminate lies about a war of choice that would lead to the senseless deaths of over one million Iraqis and 4,000-plus American soldiers. In other words, we knew him as a loyal, soft-spoken and honorable man. Scott led us to believe that he, like us, was little more than a soulless husk of a human being. A ruthless, unethical, democracy-killing zombie. Sadly, that’s apparently not the case.”