Scott: We need to talk about hog farms. Donald: I love bacon. They say every slice of bacon takes three minutes off your life. At this point I died in 1795. Scott: […]
Donald hires Scott Pruitt
Donald hires General John Kelly
John: We need to talk about self-radicalization. Donald: You mean like the Orlando shooter? John: All the walls in the world won’t keep out the people who were born in this country. […]
Donald hires Ben Carson
Ben: You know I’m not qualified for this job, Donald. I turned down Surgeon General and I’m a surgeon. Donald: Franklin Graham told me The Lord is with me. You showed the […]
Donald and Mad Dog prevent a nuclear holocaust
Mad Dog: We have to scrap the new fighter jets. Donald: You mean the ones that cost 700 billion dollars? Mad Dog: Yes sir. I spoke to my source today. Donald: You […]
Donald calls President Tsai Ing-wen
Donald: I look forward to liberating your country. Ing-Wen: What is the value of freedom? Donald: Freedom is power closest to its source, the individual as created by God. Ing-wen: But the […]
Donald meets Megan Brennan
Megan: Sir, the post office is under attack. Donald: Anthrax again? Megan: No sir, that was an attempt to bankrupt us. The US Postal Service operates independently of the elected government, as […]
Donald hires “Mad Dog”
Donald: Congratulations, Mad Dog, you get the job. Mad Dog: Sir, you should know that I’m being blackmailed by the Chinese. Donald: Aren’t we all? The question is whether God and Country […]
Donald meets Franklin Graham
Franklin: God bless you, my son. Fear not. The Lord is with you. Donald: I don’t go to church much. Franklin: Maybe it’s time you start. Donald: I’m just so tired on […]
Donald meets Merrick Garland
Donald: I need you on the Supreme Court. Merrick: Impossible. Congress won’t approve it. Donald: Not even to preserve the separation of powers? Merrick: You’ve seen how they act. Moderate Republicans are […]
Donald concedes to Hillary Clinton
Donald: Is this a secure line? Hillary: Yes. I take security very seriously these days. Donald: Somehow my words keep showing up on the internet. There’s a guy who writes my exact […]
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