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Donald hires “Mad Dog”

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Donald: Congratulations, Mad Dog, you get the job.

Mad Dog: Sir, you should know that I’m being blackmailed by the Chinese.

Donald: Aren’t we all? The question is whether God and Country are more important.

Mad Dog: There’s more, sir. It’s not just me. Good men in our military are being blackmailed. We have no opportunity to meet women, and we’re ill-equipped to woo them when do. We have no practice. We have a very brief time before we’re redeployed. And then, suddenly, Tinder appeared, and Plenty Of Fish, and I suppose Grindr for the boys who swing that way. We were just trying to get laid, sir. Continue reading

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Donald meets Franklin Graham

Franklin: God bless you, my son. Fear not. The Lord is with you.

Donald: I don’t go to church much.

Franklin: Maybe it’s time you start.

Donald: I’m just so tired on Sunday mornings.

Franklin: I know how it is. Work all day. A set of keys all day.

Donald: How do you mean?

Franklin: When this country had faith in God, we didn’t lock our doors. Now we’re afraid and we have a ring full of keys. Continue reading

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Donald meets Merrick Garland

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Donald: I need you on the Supreme Court.

Merrick: Impossible. Congress won’t approve it.

Donald: Not even to preserve the separation of powers?

Merrick: You’ve seen how they act. Moderate Republicans are afraid to ally themselves with Democrats because they know how that ends. A challenger from the radical right unseats them. Senator Richard Burr, for example. Continue reading

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Donald concedes to Hillary Clinton

trump-hillaryDonald: Is this a secure line?

Hillary: Yes. I take security very seriously these days.

Donald: Somehow my words keep showing up on the internet. There’s a guy who writes my exact words, stenographically, on the internet.

Hillary: That is concerning.

Donald: But get this. Sometimes he writes my words down before I say them.

Hillary: That’s called a speechwriter, Donald. You really should get one. Continue reading

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Donald meets Tulsi Gabbard

wikileaks-netbook-globe-01-03Tulsi: Let’s talk about the radical left.

Donald: Yes. Let’s.

Tulsi: As you know, the radical right, which was so successful in electing you, recently suffered a major setback. We traded thousands of operatives and “the right to free speech” for basically nothing. We got a raw deal.

Donald: Thanks Obama.

Tulsi: But we’re not done. We have control of Hawaii and Vermont, and we’re very strong in Massachusetts. Continue reading

Donald meets John Allison

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John: I’d like to talk to you about gold.

Donald: Love gold. I have a ton of it. Literally a ton. US gold dollars, British sovereigns, I even have some Roman gold. It’s very rare. Most of it got melted down. Once I came across some Nazi gold. I bought it and donated it to the Holocaust Museum for display. Never forget. I hate Nazis. I’m of German extraction. It’s like our slavery.

John: Sir, we need to move back to the gold standard and away from the fiat currency system controlled by the Federal Reserve Bank.

Donald: Nonsense. Paper money allows us to respond to changing economic conditions. It’s called quantitative easing. I went business school, you know. Continue reading

Donald Meets Rudy Giuliani

wikileaks-netbook-globe-01-03Rudy: Mitt says you’re thinking of going straight.

Donald: You got a problem with that?

Rudy: You need to be more worried about yourself, gabron. You work for me. I work for the mob, La Familia, Casa Nostra. When China doesn’t want to get their hands dirty, they send me. They’ve already given orders to tear down one of your precious hotels. They also said to tell you that if you don’t start cooperating, Hillary is gonna win that recount. Continue reading

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Donald meets Mitt Romney

wikileaks-netbook-globe-01-03Mitt: There’s a word in Chinese. I don’t know if you’re familiar with it. Shuāngyíng. It means “both win.” It’s a business philosophy. I’ve found great success following this principle.

Donald: I invented the win-win, believe me. The Chinese got it from me.

Mitt: Now, what I did when I was running for President was place all my holdings in a blind trust. That way, I looked like I wasn’t on the payroll, and China could still pay me ridiculous amounts of money. Continue reading

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Donald Meets President Obama

wikileaks-netbook-globe-01-03President: We need to talk about China.

Donald: Love China. Love the Chinese.

President: They’re taking over the world.

Donald: Don’t I know it. Everything is made in China.

President: They’re tampering with elections. That’s why “Leave” won the Brexit vote in spite of the polling data. That’s why you were elected. Continue reading

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Donald confesses to Kellyann Conway

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Donald: I told Jeff about the “community service.”

Kellyann: Are you serious? What did I tell you not five minutes ago? You smile and wave and follow orders and keep your mouth shut. McCrory’s orders are not to concede until you assume office and declare the election invalid. Is he telling the General Assembly? No, because he’s got a brain and a survival instinct. I can do this just as easily with Pence, easier even, because he says things like, “that’s what freedom sounds like,” and not that a beloved actor should personally apologize to you for a comedy skit. I will gut you, Donald. I will gut you.

Note: This is satire. For all I know, Donald Trump’s hair is real.

Donald meets Jeff Sessions

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Wiggy Leaks – there’s a bug under that rug.

Jeff: Sir, I’d like to talk to you about the immigration justice program.

Donald: What’s on your mind?

Jeff: We estimate that if we prosecute all illegal immigrants and legal immigrants who have committed a crime, it will completely overwhelm the Justice Department. We simply don’t have enough officers.

Donald: We’re gonna coordinate with state and local law enforcement. Also, this is a matter of Homeland Security, so we’ll draw from their resources as well.

Jeff: There’s also the matter of where to house them all while they’re awaiting deportation. Continue reading

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Donald meets Vladimir Putin

Wiggy Leaks – there’s a bug under that rug.

Vladimir: Let me congratulate you on your election victory.

Donald: Thank you my friend, and let me congratulate you. You’ve got a great country and you’re doing a great job with it.

Vladimir: If I may give you a piece of advice…

Donald: Sure. Sure.

Vladimir: You should prosecute Hillary Clinton.

Donald: Absolutely. She broke the law and she should pay for it.

Vladimir: In a very public manner. Make an example of her as a lesson to those who would oppose you.

Donald: We’re already doing it, believe me. Jeff Sessions wants to do it in front of Congress.

Vladimir: He will be a capable prosecutor. Perhaps Attorney General? But not in front of Congress. Continue reading

Donald meets Henry Kissinger

Wiggy Leaks – There’s a bug under that rug.

Donald: First, I gotta ask this. Where did you go wrong?

Henry: I’ve been advising Presidents for fifty years, including President Obama and Hillary Clinton.

Donald: So you hang around with losers. But you were a loser first. You’re like a thousand years old. Continue reading

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Donald’s talk with Shinzō


Wiggy Leaks: there’s a bug under that rug

Donald: I have great respect for the Japanese. You draw the best titties. I’ve heard you make the best cars, but they’re made in America. Is that correct?

Shinzō: Yes.

Donald: So you’re basically the Asian America. Your people lost their jobs. Yes?

Shinzō: No. We automated those jobs years ago. We were creating jobs in the US. You are a job creator, yes?

Donald: Sometimes. Other times I’m a hatchet man. I’m a stellar golf buddy. Do you play golf?

Shinzō: Yes. Japanese love golf. I play. What’s your handicap?

Donald: This changes everything. Bannon, cancel the Godzilla menace ads. Would you be interested in a Trump resort in Japan? Continue reading

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Just Asking

Dear Mr. Trump,

Even China cannot compete
Against a global economy.
They must isolate nations,
Hence Brexit,
Hence the Philippino position
So hostile to Obama and the TPP.
Duterte is your first
Geopolitical frenemy.
Your wall just makes it easier
To isolate Mexico.
Mexico already has a wall
On their southern border
That America paid for.
The Sino-Philippino solution
To the drug problem
Was mass murder.
What do you think
The Sino-American solution
To the race problem will be?
It’s divide and conquer.
United we stand.

Sincerely,
The Free World

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Did Russia poison Hillary? An inductive argument

clinton-collapse-696x385Dear Hillary,

Get rid of all your stuff. I know I sound like Inconvenient Jesus right now. Just do it. All the pantsuits, all the jewelry, all the hairspray, the mouthwash, everything, especially the sentimental stuff. If you can’t pass through the eye of the needle, the road ends here.

Continue reading