John: We need to talk about embassies.
Donald: Already cleared them out.
John: You can’t do that.
Donald: I’m the president. I can do anything.
John: Of course, sir, but shutting down foreign embassies is the equivalent of gouging your own eye out. We have people everywhere, and the mechanism by which we centralize the intelligence they gather is through the embassies. If you shut them down, we’re blind in one eye.
Donald: What’s the other eye? Continue reading
Nikki: We need to talk about the United Nations.
Donald: My gut feeling is they’re trouble.
Nikki: You have no idea. They think the United States is their biggest threat.
Donald: Even though we pay the bills?
Nikki: Actually, China pays the bills since George W. Bush.
Donald: Then tell them we’ll start picking up the tab again.
Nikki: That’s not how it works. China pays the bills in exchange for influence, at this point bordering on control. Continue reading
Rick: We need to talk about Zika.
Donald: The shrunken head disease in Brazil?
Rick: It’s showing up in Tea Party states like Florida. It’s a way to make the population non-viable for national defense. There’s a reason the Japanese are choosing not to have children.
Donald: You’re saying the Chinese are behind it?
Rick: They tell me you’ve gone rogue. Is it true?
Donald: There’s an old Indian parable about an woman who brings a frozen snake into her house, and it bites her, and as she’s dying it says, “You knew I was a snake.” Continue reading
Rex: We need to stop the CIA from briefing the Electoral College.
Donald: People are already saying I’m a tyrant. Won’t it look worse if I come out against an informed electorate?
Rex: The chances of swaying thirty seven electors is practically nil. Everyone knows it. What they don’t know is that the Chinese have moles everywhere. If 538 people get briefed on what the CIA knows and how they know it, all our methods, tactics, even some sources are compromised. The chance of a secret getting out is equal to the square of the number of people who know it. If ten people know, that’s a 100% chance. If 538 people know, we might as well broadcast the briefing via satellite to every corner of the world. Continue reading
Scott: We need to talk about hog farms.
Donald: I love bacon. They say every slice of bacon takes three minutes off your life. At this point I died in 1795.
Scott: North Carolina, under Chinese control, recently enacted a law making it a crime to record video on private hog farms.
Donald: It’s private property. They should be allowed to do what they want without activists making them look like Darth Vader.
Scott: They’re dumping raw animal waste into the drinking water. There are signs along the highway that say, ” Foreign owned hog farms are polluting our water.” They’re paid for by North Carolina hog farmers. Continue reading
John: We need to talk about self-radicalization.
Donald: You mean like the Orlando shooter?
John: All the walls in the world won’t keep out the people who were born in this country.
Donald: Bannon proposed a four grandparent rule, but that excluded me, so I shut it down. Continue reading
Ben: You know I’m not qualified for this job, Donald. I turned down Surgeon General and I’m a surgeon.
Donald: Franklin Graham told me The Lord is with me. You showed the faith of a child on the campaign trail. I want you in my corner. Just to bring you up to speed, China is attempting a hostile takeover of our country and we’re going to stop them. Now, what are we going to do about the inner cities?
Ben: We have a saying sir, pardon the indelicate language, “The rent is to darn-diddly high.”
Donald: I’ve heard it. I’m a landlord. Continue reading
Mad Dog: We have to scrap the new fighter jets.
Donald: You mean the ones that cost 700 billion dollars?
Mad Dog: Yes sir. I spoke to my source today.
Donald: You mean the foreign agent that you met on Tinder?
Mad Dog: Yes sir. She’s really pushing us to update our ICBMs. She said Russia’s are faster and undetectable by radar. Continue reading
Donald: I look forward to liberating your country.
Ing-Wen: What is the value of freedom?
Donald: Freedom is power closest to its source, the individual as created by God.
Ing-wen: But the individual may face great adversity. Is there not strength in unity? Continue reading
Megan: Sir, the post office is under attack.
Donald: Anthrax again?
Megan: No sir, that was an attempt to bankrupt us. The US Postal Service operates independently of the elected government, as a fail-safe. Continue reading
Donald: Congratulations, Mad Dog, you get the job.
Mad Dog: Sir, you should know that I’m being blackmailed by the Chinese.
Donald: Aren’t we all? The question is whether God and Country are more important.
Mad Dog: There’s more, sir. It’s not just me. Good men in our military are being blackmailed. We have no opportunity to meet women, and we’re ill-equipped to woo them when do. We have no practice. We have a very brief time before we’re redeployed. And then, suddenly, Tinder appeared, and Plenty Of Fish, and I suppose Grindr for the boys who swing that way. We were just trying to get laid, sir. Continue reading
Franklin: God bless you, my son. Fear not. The Lord is with you.
Donald: I don’t go to church much.
Franklin: Maybe it’s time you start.
Donald: I’m just so tired on Sunday mornings.
Franklin: I know how it is. Work all day. A set of keys all day.
Donald: How do you mean?
Franklin: When this country had faith in God, we didn’t lock our doors. Now we’re afraid and we have a ring full of keys. Continue reading
Donald: I need you on the Supreme Court.
Merrick: Impossible. Congress won’t approve it.
Donald: Not even to preserve the separation of powers?
Merrick: You’ve seen how they act. Moderate Republicans are afraid to ally themselves with Democrats because they know how that ends. A challenger from the radical right unseats them. Senator Richard Burr, for example. Continue reading
Donald: Is this a secure line?
Hillary: Yes. I take security very seriously these days.
Donald: Somehow my words keep showing up on the internet. There’s a guy who writes my exact words, stenographically, on the internet.
Hillary: That is concerning.
Donald: But get this. Sometimes he writes my words down before I say them.
Hillary: That’s called a speechwriter, Donald. You really should get one. Continue reading
Tulsi: Let’s talk about the radical left.
Donald: Yes. Let’s.
Tulsi: As you know, the radical right, which was so successful in electing you, recently suffered a major setback. We traded thousands of operatives and “the right to free speech” for basically nothing. We got a raw deal.
Donald: Thanks Obama.
Tulsi: But we’re not done. We have control of Hawaii and Vermont, and we’re very strong in Massachusetts. Continue reading
Donald: I have three questions. First, do you want to torture people?
Donald: Second, do you require access to information about CIA personnel?
Donald: Third, do you know what we do with a rat in New York? Continue reading
John: I’d like to talk to you about gold.
Donald: Love gold. I have a ton of it. Literally a ton. US gold dollars, British sovereigns, I even have some Roman gold. It’s very rare. Most of it got melted down. Once I came across some Nazi gold. I bought it and donated it to the Holocaust Museum for display. Never forget. I hate Nazis. I’m of German extraction. It’s like our slavery.
John: Sir, we need to move back to the gold standard and away from the fiat currency system controlled by the Federal Reserve Bank.
Donald: Nonsense. Paper money allows us to respond to changing economic conditions. It’s called quantitative easing. I went business school, you know. Continue reading
Bill: Windows is wide open. Pretty much every government computer is wide open.
Donald: What do you mean?
Bill: I mean all the security updates are approved at the highest levels, so there’s absolute transparency.
Donald: So China can see what our government is doing? Continue reading
Rudy: Mitt says you’re thinking of going straight.
Donald: You got a problem with that?
Rudy: You need to be more worried about yourself, gabron. You work for me. I work for the mob, La Familia, Casa Nostra. When China doesn’t want to get their hands dirty, they send me. They’ve already given orders to tear down one of your precious hotels. They also said to tell you that if you don’t start cooperating, Hillary is gonna win that recount. Continue reading
Mitt: There’s a word in Chinese. I don’t know if you’re familiar with it. Shuāngyíng. It means “both win.” It’s a business philosophy. I’ve found great success following this principle.
Donald: I invented the win-win, believe me. The Chinese got it from me.
Mitt: Now, what I did when I was running for President was place all my holdings in a blind trust. That way, I looked like I wasn’t on the payroll, and China could still pay me ridiculous amounts of money. Continue reading