Politics/Law/Government

Top 10 candidates to replace Sarah Sanders as White House Press Secretary

Sarah Huckabee Sanders has announced she will be leaving her post as White House Press Secretary at the end of the month. We asked analysts from the S&R Beltway Desk to offer up their predictions on likely replacements.

KellyAnne Conway KellyAnne ConwayPollster, political consultant, fixer, and harpy pundit who serves as counselor to Donald Trump. Previously Trump’s campaign manager – first woman to have run a successful presidential campaign.

PROS: She’s Team Trump and apparently needs a mulligan on the ethics front. Either that or she needs more opportunities to prove that the Hatch Act – and all other federal ethics laws – are now the equivalent of toilet paper. Trump has already proven that he values her loyalty.

CONS: Can easily match Huck’s disdain for the truth, but lacks the thin veneer of humanity that Sarah sometimes tried to project. Husband has a bad habit of telling the truth while in range of cameras and microphones.

ODDS: 50-1

Baghdad BobMohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf – “Baghdad Bob” exploded into the international spotlight during the 2003 invasion of Iraq, during which he was the Iraqi Information Minister under Iraqi President Saddam Hussein.

PROS: Like Sanders, al-Sahhaf will say absolutely anything, no matter how demonstrably false, in service to authoritarian employers.

CONS: He’s an Arab, and may not fit in the Trump administration’s whitely knit culture.

ODDS: 300-1

Sean Hannity Talk show host, conspiracy theorist and conservative political tosser. Holds an honorary degree from Liberty “University.”

PROS: Already talks to Trump on a regular basis. Reliably loyal. He has no problem lying for business or pleasure. He doesn’t have to worry about a post-White House career. Alex Jones and Rush Limbaugh might both drop dead of envy.

CONS: Don’t we enough get enough of his smarmy puss already, ferchrissakes? Media would have to pretend he’s legit, which would tax the “ethics” even of his colleagues at FOX.

ODDS: 10-1

Joe Isuzu Joe IsuzuDuring the 1980s Isuzu was the spokesman in a popular advertising campaign for Isuzu cars and trucks.

PROS: Pathological liar; deep experience with distressed brands.

CONS: Doesn’t actually exist.

ODDS: 200-1

Roseanne BarrActress, comedian, writer, National Anthem murderer and television producer who pissed her career away by accidentally doing something racist when people were paying attention.

PROS: Certified Trump martyr – he owes her. She would would appeal to his low-information, blue-collar base. Available.

CONS: Can’t carry a tune in a bucket. Would go off message more than Sarah (or Trump, for that matter). She has her own axes to grind. Trump prefers more attractive women in his orbit.

ODDS: 500-1

Dennis HopperFrank BoothActor, filmmaker, photographer and artist. Famous for creating memorable, offbeat characters with loose attachments to conventional thinking.

PROS: As his portrayal of Frank Booth in Blue Velvet demonstrated, Hopper is capable of generating an inordinate amount of passion for the things he cares about. His face-offs with Jim Acosta would be the stuff of legend.

CONS: Dead.

ODDS: 500-1

A brick with a wigBuilding material used to make walls, pavements and other elements in masonry construction. Traditionally refers to a unit composed of clay, but it is now used to denote rectangular units made of clay-bearing soil, sand, and lime or concrete materials.

PROS: Fire and water resistant, low maintenance. Never changes opinion. Can be used to bash in reporters’ heads when they write fake news. Considerably more wit and charisma than Sanders.

CONS: Eco-friendly.

ODDS: 100-1

Jeff Tiedrich  Jeff TiedrichDesigner, musician, curmudgeon, progressive loudmouth, Celebrity Death Haikuist and Burgeoning Famous Internet Person. Tiedrich’s daily devotionals and outrageous Twitter feed comprise some of the most rabid, vicious analysis of the Trump presidency and the current American condition anywhere on the planet.

PROS: This would be the funniest thing in history.

CONS: None we can think of.

ODDS: 6.5 ✕ 10^654-1

Staff of The Onion Satirical digital media company and newspaper organization that publishes articles on international, national, and local news.

PROS: Almost as good at fake news as FOX.

CONS: Best use isn’t on the podium, but in the front row.

ODDS: 0.0

Simon Cowell Simon CowellMusic and talent show judge, A&R executive, businessman, talent manager, television producer, “critic” and entrepreneur. He has judged on the British TV talent competition series Pop Idol, The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent, and the American TV talent competition shows American Idol, The X Factor and America’s Got Talent. Cowell is the principal, founder and chief executive of the British entertainment company Syco.

PROS: Moral fiber of an alley cat in heat on Angel Dust. Cowell is an archetypal whore who will do anything at anytime to anybody to turn a buck. Ought to fit right in at 1600 Penn.

CONS: On the other hand, he might ethically be too right for the job. Rest of staff may resist his hiring because they’re afraid he’ll take over.

ODDS: Even

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winterSmith, Cat White, Michael Smith, Denny Wilkins, Jim Booth and Mike Sheehan contributed to this article.

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