Personal Narrative

If everybody were like me, the world would be…

I think a lot of us have this idea in our heads that if everyone in the world were more like us things would generally a lot better. Maybe we’d even have a utopia on our hands.

Sam-against-wall

Mostly we’re delusional, of course. I have one old friend who’d trot out the old “if everybody were more like me” line periodically. In his mind the world would be some sort of Libertarian paradise. If you knew him, though, you had to figure glow-in-dark nuclear holocaust was more likely.

I’m like everyone, though. I can’t help wishing more people were like me. Lately I’ve been trying to think more objectively about how things would really be, though, and I have some ideas. Here are a few of them. Some are good. Others maybe less so.

If everyone were more like me: the pros

There would be little, if any, crime. You wouldn’t need laws or police or courts or prisons. People would have fun, but the prime directive would be not to hurt anyone else.

You’d probably need government to provide social services. Education and the like. But there’d be no call whatsoever for Congress.

If there were larger political parties, the GOP would be more like they were under Eisenhower and the Dems would be more like the FDR era.

You would’t have racism, sexism, LGBT bias, religious discrimination, etc. If you hated someone it would because they were assholes. (And from time to time people might be assholes.) If anybody were caught in the act of discrimination they’d be handcuffed to Gilbert Gottfried for a year.

Everybody would be terrified of snakes and heights.

You’d never have heard of Donald Trump, the Clintons, Barack Obama, Paul Ryan, Chuck Shumer, and I can go on here for a very long time. You get the idea.

You’d never have heard of Kanye West, Justin Bieber or the Kardshians. And that alone gets you a few steps closer to a perfect world.

There wouldn’t be any war. No need – you only fight a war if you have to and if everyone were like me you wouldn’t have to.

It would be awesome for artists, writers and teachers. These would probably be the highest callings in life.

Nobody would support Manchester United. Or the Patriots. Or Bama. Or the Red Wings.

If any athlete responded to “how did you manage to pull the game out after being down by so many at halftime?” with any iteration of “I’d like to thank Jesus Christ, my lord and savior,” the interviewer would be required to bludgeon said athlete to death with the microphone.

Speaking of microphones, neither Phil Simms nor Jon Gruden would ever be allowed near one.

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame would be reserved for artists who actually did, you know, Rock & Roll. And Warren Zevon would be in it.

There wouldn’t be much of a market for shampoo, combs or other hair products.

People wouldn’t wear many earth tones. Instead the world would be dominated by bright, vivid primary colors.

Everyone would drink local, handcrafted beers and spirits. Corporate brands like Budweiser? Bitch, please.

It would never ever once in human history have occurred to anyone to eat a Brussels Sprout.

Nebraska and Missouri and the rest of the Midwest would still be overrun by Buffalo because damned sure there wouldn’t be any people living there.

On the other hand: the cons

We’d live in caves. Or trees. I’m not much of a builder, so the best we could hope for would be maybe a nice hole in the side of the hill with some branches pulled over it for a door.

Or maybe not even that, since I’m lazy as hell and digging large holes is hard work.

I talk about that great beer we’d all drink above, but … hell if I know how to make beer.

Nobody would travel abroad because – see lack of engineering skills above – there wouldn’t be cars or airplanes.

110 would be considered a fantastic golf score.

Given my lack of technical skills of any sort, there’d be no doctors, so life expectancy would probably be about 8.

As you can see, @DocWorld would be a mixed blessing.

If I think of more I’ll let you know.

Categories: Personal Narrative

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