Senate confirms General John Kelly


John: We need to talk about embassies.

Donald: Already cleared them out.

John: You can’t do that.

Donald: I’m the president. I can do anything.

John: Of course, sir, but shutting down foreign embassies is the equivalent of gouging your own eye out. We have people everywhere, and the mechanism by which we centralize the intelligence they gather is through the embassies. If you shut them down, we’re blind in one eye.

Donald: What’s the other eye? 

John: Quite frankly, sir, intelligence is a two way street. Unless I’m absolutely sure you’re on my team, I don’t know nothing about nothing.

Donald: You can’t talk to me that way.

John: I talk that way or not at all, sir. Let me know what you decide.

Donald: Fine, you big baby. I promise to keep all embassy personnel until such time as I find suitable replacements.

John: In that case, sir, I would inform you that our southern flank is vulnerable. The Mexican government cannot defend itself. In the past week we have destroyed a dozen tanker trucks, meant to be used as bombs against Mexican targets in order to destabilize the Mexican government.

Donald: What happens if the government falls?

John: Our enemies control a thousand miles of land border and hundreds of sea-ports and airports in close proximity to the homeland. We already built a wall on the southern border of Mexico. Walls don’t work. We must reestablish the rule of law or reap the whirlwind.

Donald: You haven’t seen this wall.

John: No sir, but the wall is irrelevant. It’s like our position in Poland. Russia will never take Poland by land. They know that. They’re far more likely to invade from the north, Sweden or Finland, or most likely the United Kingdom. Why do you think Russia keeps risking fighter jets over Scotland? Because as soon as we stop paying attention they’ll send bombers.

Donald: You think Russia is behind this?

John: No sir, it’s the whole PRC block, Russia, North Korea, Iran. That bloke Raheem Kassam from Breitbart, that helped Nigel Farage get the Brexit vote, he’s working for the Iranians. The PRC uses small dictatorships as pawns. Their term is “guardians of peace,” but what they mean is sacrificial lambs.

Donald: Walk me through this. How bad is it?

John: Anyone who identifies with an oppressed minority is a potential target. The attack in Fort Lauderdale was a Puerto Rican who knew he was being influence over the Internet. He blames the US government because he thinks only the US government can do this sort of mind control. In fact, Russia, China, and Iran are quite up to date on it, but they’re collectively blaming the US for the newfound capabilities of Internet propaganda. Just like they have information about your connections to Jeffrey Epstein but they previously only revealed Bill Clinton’s connection to Jeffrey Epstein, they are revealing that the US is capable of remote radicalization via the internet, while withholding the fact that they are also capable.

Donald: Wait. Are you saying I’m a Russian plant?

John: I don’t know, sir. Are you?

Note: This is satire.













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