Nikki: We need to talk about the United Nations.
Donald: My gut feeling is they’re trouble.
Nikki: You have no idea. They think the United States is their biggest threat.
Donald: Even though we pay the bills?
Nikki: Actually, China pays the bills since George W. Bush.
Donald: Then tell them we’ll start picking up the tab again.
Nikki: That’s not how it works. China pays the bills in exchange for influence, at this point bordering on control.
Donald: They control the United Nations?
Nikki: Not quite. The international order is resistant to external influence. Recently, they have no choice but to comply, but they’re hungry for that old competitive spirit.
Donald: And we’re gonna give it to them, just like the old days.
Nikki: It may take more than that, sir.
Donald: How do you mean?
Nikki: Well, sir, our position is purely defensive at this point. The UN is attacking Israel, and even the US. The vote in favor of Palestine and the vote in favor of reparations are part of the same political neutering. We’re supposed to just roll over and die, like we haven’t spent the last 60 years defending Taiwan because we stand with them on principle. The Chinese want us to think of Taiwan as a money-pit, when in fact it’s a foxhole holding back the forces of evil. Who among us truly believes the PRC respects capitalism or freedom?
Donald: And the UN feels the same way?
Nikki: Of course they do, but they’re 16 years into the seige, and afraid the US cavalry isn’t gonna ride to the rescue. We have to move, and we have to move now. They’re demanding, at the international level, reparations for slavery. We can’t deny the fact of slavery. They’ve got us over a barrel.
Donald: I’ll demand reparations for the usurpation of the rightful Chinese government in Taiwan, for the 50 million Chinese killed in purges by Mao, for the Tiananmen Square massacre, for the brutal repression of the artist Ai Weiwei, for the Chinese businessmen, Guo Guangchang, Zhou Chengjian, Xu Ming, Huang Guangchang, Liu Han, Xu Xiang. Some of these guys are friends of mine, and they’re disappearing at an alarming rate. Who’s gonna pay reparations for those losses?
Nikki: They will never back down, sir, never admit anything, no matter what any court says, Chinese or otherwise. All they care about is power.
Donald: That’s why the United States is necessary, so the world has someone to turn to besides the warped frustrated old men in charge of the PRC. There are more important things in life than money. Believe me, I know.
Nikki: You may regret this decision, sir.
Donald: I succeed, I fail, I work hard either way. A good man puts everything he’s got into the task at hand and succeeds despite the odds. That’s the American dream. That’s what the world loves about us. The whole world can conspire against us if they choose. We will always win, because our foundational principles are correct.
Nikki: You don’t know what these people are capable of.
Donald: So they got to you, too, did they?
Nikki: You too?
Donald: They only kidnapped my family, sabotaged my presidential campaign, strategically leaked my personal information, and executed a hostile takeover of my businesses. All the growth you see on the books at The Trump Organization LLC in the last ten years is Chinese investment. That resort in Scotland? Chinese owned. The difference between free people and turncoats is that we fight to the death. That’s my criteria for Cabinet positions. Are you in?
Note: This is satire.