Rick: We need to talk about Zika.

Donald: The shrunken head disease in Brazil?

Rick: It’s showing up in Tea Party states like Florida. It’s a way to make the population non-viable for national defense. There’s a reason the Japanese are choosing not to have children.

Donald: You’re saying the Chinese are behind it?

Rick: They tell me you’ve gone rogue. Is it true?

Donald: There’s an old Indian parable about an woman who brings a frozen snake into her house, and it bites her, and as she’s dying it says, “You knew I was a snake.”

Rick: They have ways to get to you besides your family. I tried to go rogue and they smuggled an ebola patient into Texas. The fear of doctors in Africa, it’s the same propaganda that says the anti-mosquito measures in Brazil are causing Zika. It’s the same propaganda that fuels the anti-vaccine crusaders in this country. It’s blankets laced with smallpox.

Donald: I hired you to oversee the Department of Energy.

Rick: Which oversees the nuclear weapons. They want me to attach modern guidance systems, hackable computers, to the missiles.

Donald: Mad Dog already told me. The question is, how do we secure Texas?

Rick: We secure Mexico. The drug trade is infiltrated by the Chinese. Unless we reinstate legitimate business as the driving force behind the Mexican government, we surrender Mexico, and Texas with it, wall or no wall. When the Peso was a floating currency, Mexico had a strong central government and a robust economy. This business of globalism only works if you can trust everyone to be honest. China cannot be trusted. They’re fueling the drug war with cash and Chinese heroin. They’ve murdered busloads of protestors, students, sons of bankers and lawyers. The criminals only have the resources to overpower the government because their resources are coming from a bigger government. The whole drug war has been a power play by the Communists. Why do you think so many Vietnam vets came home addicted to heroin? They just wanted to get laid, and the Vietnamese brothels were infiltrated by the Chinese. It’s not rocket science. It’s guerrilla warfare. They can’t beat us fair and square, so they’re eroding our position by degrees. It’s Chinese water torture writ large.

Donald: Are you in favor of marijuana legalization?

Rick: The prohibition against marijuana is the ultimate wedge. It’s how they turned Mexico against us, and black America, and college students. Marijuana is basically alcohol in smokable form, but because of prohibition, it allows the underworld to access a giant market. The fact that doctors now prescribe opioids is a separate and equally troubling problem.

Donald: You know, I hired you at the request of my Chinese handlers because I thought it might buy me some time.

Rick: They won’t kill you for telling the truth, sir. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that sunlight is the best disinfectant. Every time I come clean about something, their power dissipates. It’s almost as if, if we all did what we’re supposed to do, they’d have no power at all.

Donald: Fear not, Rick. I plan to do just that.

Note: This is satire.