Donald interviews Rex Tillerson


Rex: We need to stop the CIA from briefing the Electoral College.

Donald: People are already saying I’m a tyrant. Won’t it look worse if I come out against an informed electorate?

Rex: The chances of swaying thirty seven electors is practically nil. Everyone knows it. What they don’t know is that the Chinese have moles everywhere. If 538 people get briefed on what the CIA knows and how they know it, all our methods, tactics, even some sources are compromised. The chance of a secret getting out is equal to the square of the number of people who know it. If ten people know, that’s a 100% chance. If 538 people know, we might as well broadcast the briefing via satellite to every corner of the world.

Donald: But if they have proof the election was rigged, people deserve to know.

Rex: People already know. You won surprise victories in states controlled by the Tea Party, like North Carolina, Florida, and Michigan. Remember when that North Carolina bigot got in trouble for admitting that the Voter ID law targeted Democrats and not just black people? It was on the Daily Show. We knew then that the Tea Party was a foreign entity.

Donald: People are saying you’re a Russian stooge. They’re saying I’m a Russian stooge. I’m nobody’s stooge and I deserve the chance to prove it.

Rex: That’s playing right into their hands. Before the election, I was in Russia. I spoke with Edward Snowden. He made a passing remark. “There’s an old saying in baseball, ‘If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.'” I think he knew or guessed that the election was being manipulated. He was warning me.

Donald: There’s an old saying in football, “Cheaters never win, because once you go outside the rules, it’s not a game anymore. It’s war.”

Rex: My thoughts exactly, sir. But it’s important to know with whom you are at war. It’s not the other town, or even the other team. It’s the cheaters. They alone are responsible, and they alone must be held accountable, although inevitably their team will suffer because of their actions.

Donald: You don’t think it was the Russians?

Rex: President Putin himself warned me to be careful in Russia because of the pervasive surveillance. Why would he be worried about that? I think it’s the Chinese, sir. They’ve infiltrated the Russian system at the highest levels. Snowden is afraid. Putin is afraid. Of whom?

Donald: Your position on oil exploration is that we do it. Correct?

Rex: I believe that man has been given dominion over the earth. I don’t know if I should tell you this, sir, but last night I had a dream. I was watching from my ninth story window as all the trees burned, every single one, as far as the eye could see. And there was a snake, too small to bite me, that was whispering to me, “Give up, run away, leave.” It wanted my dominion so much that it was threatening to destroy the earth unless I surrendered. Needless to say I did not, sir.

Donald: Thank you, Rex. I’ll be in touch soon with my decision. You’re a good American. Keep your chin up.

Note: This is satire.