Scott: We need to talk about hog farms.

Donald: I love bacon. They say every slice of bacon takes three minutes off your life. At this point I died in 1795.

Scott: North Carolina, under Chinese control, recently enacted a law making it a crime to record video on private hog farms.

Donald: It’s private property. They should be allowed to do what they want without activists making them look like Darth Vader.

Scott: They’re dumping raw animal waste into the drinking water. There are signs along the highway that say, ” Foreign owned hog farms are polluting our water.” They’re paid for by North Carolina hog farmers.

Donald: Is that bad?

Scott: Let me put it this way. The reason we know the Chinese river dolphin is still alive is because every so often a dead dolphin floats downstream. No one fishes for them anymore, because the meat is toxic, but each time another one floats downstream we say, “that one was alive a short time ago, so I guess they’re not extinct.” The Mudcats are thinking of changing their name.

Donald: What’s a Mudcat?

Scott: A catfish that lives at the bottom of North Carolina rivers. If all the catfish east of Raleigh die, the Mudcats will need a new mascot.

Donald: I hired you because you’re business friendly. This is not what I call business friendly.

Scott: I’ll go along with you on global warming, but I can’t ignore the massive death toll caused by foreign enterprise. It’s like they’re deliberately poisoning our environment and looting the resources in the meantime. The governor of Michigan just sold 100 million gallons of fresh groundwater for two hundred dollars. Meanwhile, the people of Flint, Michigan, have no water to drink, because of direct intervention by the state government, unless they move to “Detroit City,” the new work camp that’s being built with Chinese dollars across the bridge in Canada. When they poison the Great Lakes with rare earth elements while building iPhones, what will the people of Chicago drink? Nestlé water at a dollar per liter?

Donald: Wait. Are you saying they’re deliberately poisoning our public water so they can sell us our own groundwater at a gigantic profit?

Scott: That’s exactly what I’m saying, sir.

Donald: That’s good business, right?

Scott: From the Chinese perspective, sir. From the American perspective, we’re being taken to the cleaners.

Donald: Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

Scott: All the coal you plan to mine will be sent to China, and the cloud of pollution will arrive in three to five business days. China is ruled by a tiny elite group that does not care what happens to the rest of us. America is not like that. At least it wasn’t always like that. Please, if I could give you one piece of advice, sir. Lead the world, because no one else will, and we need it now more than ever.

Note: This is satire.