Mad Dog: We have to scrap the new fighter jets.
Donald: You mean the ones that cost 700 billion dollars?
Mad Dog: Yes sir. I spoke to my source today.
Donald: You mean the foreign agent that you met on Tinder?
Mad Dog: Yes sir. She’s really pushing us to update our ICBMs. She said Russia’s are faster and undetectable by radar.
Donald: We should do that. Make the missile program great again.
Mad Dog: Sir, a Russian supply rocket broke up in the atmosphere on the way the International Space Station. Their missile technology isn’t getting better. It’s getting worse. I believe they want new computers in the missile nose-cones so they can hack them.
Donald: Impossible. Our cyber security is unbeatable.
Mad Dog: Not really, sir. Remember when that Hellfire missile was accidentally shipped to Cuba and then Hellfire missiles began hitting Doctors Without Borders hospitals?
Donald: We got the bad guys on that one, right?
Mad Dog: There were two, sir, one was a Saudi missile in Yemen, and do you think we’d hit a hospital full of our own doctors just to get a few bad guys? Hellfire missiles are more destructive than terrorist attacks.
Donald: You think they were hacked?
Mad Dog: Yes sir, and that’s not all. Our sailors in the South China Sea think the Chinese have hacked our satellite communications and navigation as well.
Donald: How are they navigating?
Mad Dog: By the stars, sir. Lucky for us, God made the stars unhackable. If China has hacked our satellites and our missile computers, the only things standing between us and checkmate are the old Vanguard missiles.
Donald: Then we shouldn’t upgrade them.
Mad Dog: Sometimes the old ways are the best ways, sir. But I don’t want to burn my contact, so I’ll publicly announce that we will upgrade, and when the time comes, do the opposite.
Donald: Good thinking, Mad Dog. Thank you.
Mad Dog: Thank you, sir.
Note: This is satire.