Donald calls President Tsai Ing-wen

wikileaks-netbook-globe-01-03Donald: I look forward to liberating your country.

Ing-Wen: What is the value of freedom?

Donald: Freedom is power closest to its source, the individual as created by God.

Ing-wen: But the individual may face great adversity. Is there not strength in unity?

Donald: That’s for the individual to decide.

Ing-wen: As your Confederate States did during the American Civil War?

Donald: The Civil War was not fought in opposition to individual liberty, but rather in defense of it. The Union was torn apart by a small group of powerful men exerting physical and psychological control over a huge, huge majority of slaves. Those men saw individual liberty as a threat to their survival and instigated a war. The South struck first, both on the Senate floor and at Fort Sumter, protecting their economic interests at the expense of individual liberty. I view this conflict in much the same way.

Ing-wen: What would you do if California decided to secede?

Donald: US states are not permitted to secede from The Union, as you well know from the Brexit fiasco. They lack the authority to do so.

Ing-wen: But if they voted in a referendum…

Donald: It would be meaningless. The taxes would remain in place, the social safety net would remain in place, and the military installations would remain in place. Nothing would change.

Ing-wen: Even if there was violence?

Donald: Americans riot when they’re happy, or when they’re sad, or when the home team wins. We are accustomed to that behavior. If cyber weapons were used to manipulate public opinion, as they were during my election, or during the Arab Spring, it would make no difference. If a foreign government, and I’m not suggesting anyone would do this, but if a foreign government came to the defense of a so-called Republic of California, that government would be met with US defensive countermeasures. This is not negotiable. It you cut my sandwich into a hundred slices, I still want all of it. It’s a question of sovereignty.

Ing-wen: Sovereignty, perhaps, but survival also. If ideals get in the way of good business, as is the case in Standing Rock, would it not be more prudent, pragmatic, and profitable to bow to necessity?

Donald: No way. Obama may let business eat up foreign countries and even Independent Tribes, but on January twentieth, there’s a new sheriff in town.

Ing-wen: We shall see. Pragmatism has a way of eroding one’s ideals, and expanding one’s views. The Americans value life, liberty, and happiness. The French value liberty, equality, and fraternity, yet both value security above all else.

Donald: False. Remember when Charlie Hebdo was attacked and then printed a picture of Mohammad again? That is where I stand. That was China instigating a culture war with cyber weapons, using our generosity and hospitality against us.

Ing-wen: How are you so sure it’s China? Isn’t Russia the more likely culprit?

Donald: China will do anything to save face. They turned Edward Snowden into a traitor, took him to Hong-Kong, got everything they could out of him, and sent him to Russia. They’ve been using Russia as their scapegoat, just like they use North Korea. Have you seen the Russian naval buildup in the Syrian conflict? They’re not committed. Fear not. Individual liberty will be the default. No more worrying about who’s listening, or politically motivated legal problems. You’ll be allowed to make and enforce your own laws, just laws, if you’re prepared to join me in fighting for it. Thank you for the call. Now go back and tell China what I said.

Note: This is satire.