Tulsi: Let’s talk about the radical left.
Donald: Yes. Let’s.
Tulsi: As you know, the radical right, which was so successful in electing you, recently suffered a major setback. We traded thousands of operatives and “the right to free speech” for basically nothing. We got a raw deal.
Donald: Thanks Obama.
Tulsi: But we’re not done. We have control of Hawaii and Vermont, and we’re very strong in Massachusetts. Number two recommends we further incite the radical left to gain leverage in the Senate. Normally, we’d just kill him, but he did so well this year, and he’s so deeply embedded. The people love him. He’s sort of an American Trotsky. Of course, we’ll pop the insurance bubble first. They don’t even know about that yet. It worked like a charm in Massachusetts under Mitt. On a national scale, it might kill them.
Donald: Right. So how do I contact him?
Tulsi: You don’t. It would be too dangerous. I will serve as interlocutor. My position is safe. At this point, Hawaii is secure, free of the tyranny of the US government. With any luck, California will be free soon, also.
Donald: Will you tell him, with respect, that I request the honor of meeting him?
Tulsi: Of course, sir. But he will decline.
Donald: Of course. In his absence, how shall I proceed?
Tulsi: As we always have, by subterfuge and sabotage. Steal what you can. Burn what you cannot. We have infiltrated the pharmaceutical industry. The medicine is poison.
Tulsi: It is as though we turned the Opium Wars against them and they didn’t even notice. We have doctors everywhere, ready to prescribe and debilitate, any patient at any time. Any hospital that resists the financial incentive to hire our people is punished. Most have been shut down. Basically, we control the medical system and use it to prescribe addictive drugs rather than to treat illnesses.
Donald: And this is contiguous with Number Two’s strategy? Contiguous. I told you I have the best words.
Tulsi: Yes. Bernie is fully committed. The opioids are just payback to him.
Donald: Wait. Bernie’s number two? Then who’s number one? Nevermind, you’re not allowed to tell me.
Tulsi: I am, Mister Trump. I am number one.
Note: This is satire. As far as I know, Donald Trump’s hair is real.