Donald: Is this a secure line?
Hillary: Yes. I take security very seriously these days.
Donald: Somehow my words keep showing up on the internet. There’s a guy who writes my exact words, stenographically, on the internet.
Hillary: That is concerning.
Donald: But get this. Sometimes he writes my words down before I say them.
Hillary: That’s called a speechwriter, Donald. You really should get one.
Donald: Nah. I like spontaneous, extemporaneous speaking. This for example is a concession speech. Congratulations. You are going to be the next President of the United States.
Hillary: Your sense of humor continues to puzzle me, Donald.
Donald: There’s a Chinese plot to takeover the government, basically they’re using media and social media to manipulate the country into a civil war, the same way they used misinformation to manipulate the 9/11 hijackers. They are misdirecting us and buying the time they need for a military buildup.
Hillary: My sources say they’re coming and we should prepare to leave.
Donald: No that’s just Sun-Tzu scare tactics. Appear to be everywhere. Anyway, I can’t be President because they basically own me. They could make me their puppet. But if the Electoral College doesn’t vote for me, half the country will cry foul. But if I personally concede to you, saying it’s for the good of the country, no one can complain when you become president. Keep doing those recounts. We want the popular vote difference to be as huge as possible.
Note: This is satire. For all I know, Donald Trump’s hair is real.