Donald’s talk with Shinzō

Wiggy Leaks: there’s a bug under that rug

Donald: I have great respect for the Japanese. You draw the best titties. I’ve heard you make the best cars, but they’re made in America. Is that correct?

Shinzō: Yes.

Donald: So you’re basically the Asian America. Your people lost their jobs. Yes?

Shinzō: No. We automated those jobs years ago. We were creating jobs in the US. You are a job creator, yes?

Donald: Sometimes. Other times I’m a hatchet man. I’m a stellar golf buddy. Do you play golf?

Shinzō: Yes. Japanese love golf. I play. What’s your handicap?

Donald: This changes everything. Bannon, cancel the Godzilla menace ads. Would you be interested in a Trump resort in Japan?

Shinzō: Yes, but that is not relevant to this discussion.

Donald: The hell it isn’t. Asians are great golfers. Look at Tiger Woods.

Shinzō: He is American.

Donald: You can tell by the eyes he isn’t. Can we build a course where we hit from Honshu to Hokkaido?

Shinzō: No. It’s too far.

Donald: You guys are small. I can hit off a tee. Believe me. If I wasn’t President, I’d be on the PGA tour.

Shinzō: I believe you, but the distance between the islands…

Donald: Your problem is you think small.

Shinzō: Our problem is that China believes the US is an occupying force and desires to assume a regional security role. Lacking evidence to the contrary, we are inclined to accept this.

Donald: You want evidence? Look at me. I’m your security, believe me. I know how to deal with bullies. I got bullied as a kid. I put a stop to that real quick. I became one. I’m dominating this conversation if you haven’t noticed. You thought this was going to be about you, but no, I took control.

Shinzō: Yes, but…

Donald: I’m a businessman. I get what I want.

Shinzō: What do you want?

Donald: Shut up I’m talking. Your country has Godzilla. Why don’t you just use that to make the Chinese back off?

Shinzō: Godzilla is a metaphor for what the US did to Japan in World War II. We will never use nuclear weapons against human beings.

Donald: If you can’t help yourselves, I can’t help you. I’m dismantling the welfare state, and you’re at the top of my list. You have Godzilla. Use it or lose it.

Shinzō: We do not have nuclear weapons.

Donald: Then ask North Korea to borrow some.

Shinzō: You misunderstand. Godzilla is not a threat to Japan only. Godzilla is a threat to all mankind.

Donald: Then China should back off. What’s the problem?

Shinzō: After the war, Japan as a nation, dedicated ourselves to world peace.

Donald: There’s gonna be a World War III, and it’s gonna be on my watch, believe me.

Shinzō: I do believe you. Sadly, I do believe you.


Note: This is satire. As far as I know, Donald Trump’s hair is real.