I am broken

Alcoholism sucks…

I am broken

and I have been for many years.

I’m not some toy

you can take back to Hasbro

and say “This fucking thing is fucking fucked up.”

They would laugh at you

and I would too.

I am not a toy.

I am a man.

And I hurt,

and I love,

(I love more than you know),

and I rage.

And I love you all, you are my life,

you are my Jesus,

but I am broken.

And I don’t know how to fix me.

So please

bear with me.

The doctors are coming in

with long, sharp stainless-steel tools

and they will probe me

and figure out what’s wrong.

There might be blood.


(Brisbane, California 2016)

9 replies »

  1. Not broken, just experiencing something different. No one needs to be fixed, they simply need the support to help them get to their healthy state. Stay strong! You got this!

  2. My father drank himself to death. Literally. One of my mother’s sisters did the same thing. A very close relative has been in rehab twice and it doesn’t seem to have worked. And I personally hear the call of it every day.

    So I get where this is coming from. I really, REALLY get where it’s coming from.

    • There are nails
      in the nape of my neck.
      I am a Frankenstein
      of my own making.
      I am melting
      like a wax Lon Chaney mask
      under arc lamps on Hollywood Boulevard.
      It is 1931
      in an alternate universe
      And there is no Christian
      no Muslim
      no Hindu
      no Jew,
      just people
      who breathe every day
      with the certainty
      that we belong on the moon,
      and on Mars,
      and we are our own god.

  3. I have quit many times. the idea is to keep busy, start walking or running, lift weights, and all those projects you have put off start getting them done one by one. drinking never made anyone smarter that is for sure. you will have more money, more time, and feel better after a week. push through it, I believe you can do it, but it is you that has to believe. not easy but smoking for me was way, way harder.