How it happened here


First, he built the wall. You can’t never tell with The Don what he might do. He likes to keep his competition guessing, and he thinks everyone who ain’t The Don is competition. We saw trucks full of sand and water and stone. They must have emptied out the state of Oklahoma to find that many strong men. And they dug a moat and built a wall. It set there in the desert like the tail of a humongous alligator. That’s the first clue we had that he was serious about building it. There was the wall. Signs went up saying “ACTIVE SNIPER ZONE: DO NOT ENTER.” The shooting was fairly regular for a while.

Then he said on TV that Mexico was gonna pay for it. Everyone watched because it was the only channel we had, called The Free Press. He set there in his big Game of Thrones chair with that look, how a frog looks at a fruit fly, and said “Mexico, I built you that wall, fair and square, and now you have to pay for it. I know you got money from all the bribes you take and the drugs you sell. Don’t try to Jew me down on the price. I know what it cost. I’m a builder. And if you don’t pay, I’ll garnish your wages.”

That’s when the food shortages started. Not just avocados and jalapenos, either, but a lot of stuff we didn’t even know was grown in Mexico, canned food, dry goods, beans. Oreos. Folks were going around asking Hispanics if they had any connections, at least until the Ghost Riders started rounding ’em up in the night. El Paso up and disappeared. The whole Southwest turned lily white. Just like the wall, our first clue was when it happened.

Then the auto parts dried up. Turns out they’re made in Mexico too. If an American car broke down it stayed broke down. The highway was jammed full of rusted out Chevy suburbans and Chrysler minivans. The Ghost Riders set up road blocks and started collecting tolls, which was whatever you had that they wanted. But what really fixed us good was the farm equipment.

Word had got out about the Ghost Riders and what they were doing in the Southwest, and the international sanctions made it so we couldn’t get nothing from overseas. The tractors and combine harvesters and eighteen wheelers started to fall apart and there was no way to fix them. Food shortages got real bad. The Don ordered the Navy to commandeer any vessels in our sphere of influence, which was what he called the rest of the world. We captured a North Korean fishing boat full of refugees. The Don shot the Secretary of the Navy in a secret bunker somewhere and put his own son, Baby Don, in charge of the Navy. This was all on TV.

People started fleeing the cities. The Don ordered a “quarantine” and a “permanent curfew.” With so many new targets, the Ghost Riders started running out of ammunition, and the National Guard, which The Don had disbanded, sprang into action. At the same time, Canada bombed a taconite mine in Minnesota, believing it was the bunker where The Don was hiding, but it turned out to be a mass grave for Muslims and confiscated chicharrones. He laughed his smokers’ laugh and said “You missed me!”

The Don gave orders to nuke Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal, Ontario, and Vancouver. That didn’t happen. And then, miracle of miracles, a second TV network appeared, UNIVISION, broadcasting in English, saying “We are breaking down the wall. The time to fight for your liberty is now. Take back your country from the criminals and The Don.” The few running cars headed south, and we were packed in ’em like Mexicans.

Some folks say the SEALs got him for what he done to the Secretary of the Navy. Some say he lives in a penthouse in Dubai. Baby Don went to The Hague for crimes against humanity. It’s over now. Business still ain’t what it used to be. I hate to think what might have happened if Hillary had become president.

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