Super Tuesday results: The GOP is ridiculous. The Democrats are ridiculous. And it ain’t over yet.
2. Chris Christie is now officially a punk. He’s like Richard Speck in that awful clandestine video, who after having been turfed out of his gang became the sex toy of a rival gang to survive. What’s next, Chris, is The Donald going to make you wear a collar and leash like a character from Mad Max? I guess it’s not enough for Christie to be a pariah in his party and state (the lowest approval ratings in history and subject of a six newspaper editorial asking him to resign) he wants to be the subject of scorn nationally.
3. Sexism is the new racism. Hillary won white women. She lost white men. Any non-Millennial male who voted for Bernie based on “logic” needs a little work on self-awareness.
4. The Wall is a metaphor. That’s a paraphrase of a line from Book of Mormon. Trump is many things—a narcissist, a cynic, a liar, etc, etc, but he’s also a property developer. He knows good and well that building a giant wall not only won’t stop illegal immigration, but that it’s economically prohibitive. As dumb as his followers are, they probably also know that at some level. It’s not any sillier than Ronald Reagan’s Star Wars missile shield, which was exactly the same thing—a comforting fiction designed to protect a scared populace from an existential threat.
5. Thanks, Bern. You pulled Hillary back from the cesspool of centrism to her roots as a champion of the downtrodden. You reminded her of who she used to be before Bill oozed her to the middle.
6. “Nobody’s going anywhere, Zippy,” to quote Felix Leiter. Cruz isn’t going anywhere because he’s won some states and he has absolutely no path to the nomination except to stay in and hope a Donald Trump/Hillary Clinton sex tape pops up at some point. Rubio’s not going anywhere because he has absolutely no path to the nomination except racking up enough votes to keep the Donald from winning on the first ballot at the convention, then having it stolen for him on the second. Carson isn’t going anywhere because the senile git can’t find his pants.
7. Free trade is dead, dead, dead. Even Hillary, who knows better, is pushing protectionism now. Protectionism is a bad idea for all sorts of reasons, as the Great Depression illustrated pretty well, but here’s a simple equation: Jobs protected in U.S. = twice as many jobs lost in developing nations = more illegal immigration. In the long term it will make the poor poorer both inside the U.S. and out.
8. There but for the grace of God. Yes, the Republicans look ridiculous. This has exposed the ugly truth that the fabric of Reagan’s big tent is made of racism rather than nylon. Without that tent, they’re a bunch of factions with very different objectives and realities. Both in piece part and in whole, the Republican worldview is a contradictory, incoherent mess. However, we shouldn’t gloat too much. After all, in our party are people who believe you shouldn’t kill animals but think abortion is okay. We may have a few inconsistencies of our own.
9. What happens when you legalize pot? Duh, Bernie wins. Hey, anybody got any Cheetos?
10. It ain’t over ‘til it’s over. Many of my friends (and most of the media) have already called this one for Trump. Not so fast. Aside from the math, in which Trump has a plurality, not a majority, there are the arcane convention rules. Yes, the GOP Establishment may have decided to tank, but as we all remember from Pulp Fiction, it can be harder to make yourself tank than you think it will be. Some parts of the Establishment are tanking and some aren’t. Some PACs are wading in, some are making an example of Christie hoping John Kasich will take note, and at least some, including Tom Delay, have decided to fight back and steal the nomination on the floor. Right now, somewhere in a metal building in a Virginia suburb, undocumented illegal workers are silkscreening t-shirts that say “Paul Ryan, 2016.”