Online Dating

Online dating tips: tell OK Cupid you’re looking for the opposite of what you really want

Childless in Seattle? Not for long. Jim, let’s meet those bachelorettes.

If you were to review my OK Cupid profile, you’d find this:

Screen Shot 2014-04-14 at 7.26.53 PM

And, just to be clear, this:

Screen Shot 2014-04-14 at 7.28.12 PM

So today, OK Cupid e-mailed me this:

Screen Shot 2014-04-14 at 7.32.36 PM

Sweet. Let’s meet Bachelorette #1:

Screen Shot 2014-04-14 at 7.26.18 PM

Okay. Bachelotette #2, say hi to Sam!

Screen Shot 2014-04-14 at 7.26.32 PM

Uhhh. Jim, am I on the right show?

Wait wait wait. Let’s say hello to Bachelorette #3:

bachelorette

That’s it. I’m out.

[sigh]

Look, I’ve said before that I think one of the failings of online dating services is that they don’t allow for sufficient serendipity. I freely admit that I don’t know everything and that I may wind up being very attracted to someone who’s different from what I think I’m looking for.

That said, there are things I’m pretty set on, and for good reasons. Now, with Bachelorette #1, there weren’t any further details, and it’s entirely possible that her kid is grown, and that’s fine. But the other two? Come on, man. They’re almost certainly wonderful people, but how are they specifically for me?

So I guess at this point I’ve cracked the code. The secret to OKC’s success is in giving them the opposite of what you’re seeking. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go rework my profile. From now on, I’m looking for a morbidly obese, toothless, chain-smoking Klanswoman meth-whore with 12 young children. And herpes.

Get in line, ladies.

6 comments on “Online dating tips: tell OK Cupid you’re looking for the opposite of what you really want

  1. Nah, dude, the thing with that is, the Quiver algorithm has cycled through everyone compatible with you hard-criteria-wise and has just thrown its hands up in the air and said “fuck it.” Algorithms totally do that. You should see the horseshit Netflix is recommending to me.

    Oh, also, the subtext is, if you don’t have kids and don’t want any you are an inhuman monster undeserving of love but OKC might be able to change you. So there’s that.

  2. Oh boy, I remember those days when I did the online dating scene, and most of the time I was shocked on who responded, not to mention what they wrote. And I thought that nothing would ever shock me, until you read someones profile. Oh, the horror stories I have…

  3. I really don’t know about having children,(my husband died before we could have any.) But a lot of times if you don’t have children in my neck of the woods, you’re considered an outcast.

  4. For the record, I actually doubt the ability of anyone to predict whether they really want children or not. I didn’t, but have enjoyed it immensely. And obviously there are many people that did and haven’t.

    Still, the good news is your new profile opens up the entire state of Tennessee for you.

Leave us a reply. All replies are moderated according to our Comment Policy (see "About S&R")

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s