Online dating tips: tell OK Cupid you’re looking for the opposite of what you really want

Childless in Seattle? Not for long. Jim, let’s meet those bachelorettes.

If you were to review my OK Cupid profile, you’d find this:

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And, just to be clear, this:

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So today, OK Cupid e-mailed me this:

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Sweet. Let’s meet Bachelorette #1:

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Okay. Bachelotette #2, say hi to Sam!

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Uhhh. Jim, am I on the right show?

Wait wait wait. Let’s say hello to Bachelorette #3:


That’s it. I’m out.


Look, I’ve said before that I think one of the failings of online dating services is that they don’t allow for sufficient serendipity. I freely admit that I don’t know everything and that I may wind up being very attracted to someone who’s different from what I think I’m looking for.

That said, there are things I’m pretty set on, and for good reasons. Now, with Bachelorette #1, there weren’t any further details, and it’s entirely possible that her kid is grown, and that’s fine. But the other two? Come on, man. They’re almost certainly wonderful people, but how are they specifically for me?

So I guess at this point I’ve cracked the code. The secret to OKC’s success is in giving them the opposite of what you’re seeking. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go rework my profile. From now on, I’m looking for a morbidly obese, toothless, chain-smoking Klanswoman meth-whore with 12 young children. And herpes.

Get in line, ladies.

Read the rest of S&R’s ongoing online dating series.

6 replies »

  1. Nah, dude, the thing with that is, the Quiver algorithm has cycled through everyone compatible with you hard-criteria-wise and has just thrown its hands up in the air and said “fuck it.” Algorithms totally do that. You should see the horseshit Netflix is recommending to me.

    Oh, also, the subtext is, if you don’t have kids and don’t want any you are an inhuman monster undeserving of love but OKC might be able to change you. So there’s that.

  2. Oh boy, I remember those days when I did the online dating scene, and most of the time I was shocked on who responded, not to mention what they wrote. And I thought that nothing would ever shock me, until you read someones profile. Oh, the horror stories I have…

  3. I really don’t know about having children,(my husband died before we could have any.) But a lot of times if you don’t have children in my neck of the woods, you’re considered an outcast.

  4. For the record, I actually doubt the ability of anyone to predict whether they really want children or not. I didn’t, but have enjoyed it immensely. And obviously there are many people that did and haven’t.

    Still, the good news is your new profile opens up the entire state of Tennessee for you.