Funny

In an alternate universe, life sucks for Manchester United but is AWESOME for me

Speculative journalism and Quantum Mechanics provide us all with a vision for a better life.

The other day I was lamenting to one of my online sports groups that the place would be a lot more fun if we had a couple of vocal Manchester United supporters on board. Normally I don’t long for the company of muppets, but this year is special for us Manc haters. See, the once-mighty Red Devils, having seen legendary manager Sir Alex Ferguson retire over the summer, find themselves in a really disappointing mess under new head man David Moyes. Disappointing for United fans, that is – the rest of the world can’t stop laughing.

Manchester’s supporters have gotten accustomed to winning, and not winning isn’t settling well. As sports fans everywhere know, few things on Earth are bitchier and whinier and altogether more entertaining than the entitled backers of a dynasty run aground. Hence my longing for the wailing of Mancs on the list. (The place hasn’t been totally unrewarding, I should note. We do have a couple of Arsenal fans, and they’re generally easy enough to stir up, especially after a 6-0 pasting at the hands of my beloved Chelsea.)

Anyhoo, our good friend Rafael Noboa y Rivera responded with a Forbes piece I hadn’t seen before. Football analyst Bobby McMahon contributed a piece back in January speculating on how life in the red half of Manchester might have unfolded over the last decade-plus had the sainted Sir Alex held true to his announced decision to retire back in 2002. Verily, he paints one of the most compelling pictures a schadenfreudian like me could ever hope to see, and if you appreciate the beautiful game even a little bit you should give it a read.

But the post-Ferguson years cannot be discussed without dealing with the ill-advised takeover of the club by the Glazer family in 2005.

The fans were seduced by promises of new investment from the prospective American owners and although initially new money was provided it was never enough to allow United to match the likes of Chelsea, Arsenal and a revived Liverpool.

David Moyes and Avram Glazer star in Dumber and Dumberer, part 3: 60,000 Muppets

As trophies failed to materialize the money tap was not only turned off but it turned into a suction pump. More money was taken out of the club to pay for the Glazers’ takeover and that required a reduction in costs.Operating expenses were cut and cut again and the inability to attract very good players morphed into an inability to attract better than average players.

The lack of on-field success severely impacted revenue generation and by the fall of 2008 the club was in financial free-fall. Administration was inevitable and it came in 2010.

I don’t know what made me laugh harder, “administration” or the earlier mention of Martin O’Neill.

Then this morning I got to thinking. Quantum Mechanics teaches us that we live in but one of an infinite number of universes, and that there’s at least one out there somewhere for each discrete possibility. Which means that in some universes, what McMahon envisions actually happened.

Okay. Liking it. Liking it a lot.

But then I realized I wasn’t going far enough. In an infinite number of universes, there’s at least one where this happened and I’m Chelsea’s billionaire owner. And when I go to the games, I sit in my luxury box with my girlfriends Sophia Vergara, Kaley Cuoco, Stana Katic, Olivia Munn and Zooey Deschanel and afterward we all go to my yacht, which is roughly the size of West Seattle, and play naked Twister.

Yeah, I know – this is just how my mind works. I’m a visionary. And if this doesn’t make you love science, I don’t know what will.

Quantum Mechanics has proven that the universe I just described exists. Now all I have to do is figure how to get to it.

Maybe Neil de Grasse Tyson will address this in an upcoming episode of Cosmos….

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