It started innocently enough, as these things often do, with our boy Dan Ryan on Facebook wishing there was a video of the gopher from Caddyshack dancing to “Water of Love” by Dire Straits. Which, turns out, is actually a thing. That caused me, for some odd reason, to wonder what the movie would have been like if David Lynch had directed.
Then Jim Booth got involved, and it was all downhill from there.
So here it is, our best guess as to how Lynch would have cast the film, along with some plausible plot twists.
|Ty Webb :||Nicholas Cage|
|Al Czervik :||Dennis Hopper|
|Judge Elihu Smails :||Ray Wise|
|Danny Noonan :||Kyle MacLachlan|
|Carl Spackler :||Crispin Glover|
|Maggie O’Hooligan :||Lara Flynn Boyle|
|Lacey Underall :||Laura Dern|
|Dr. Beeper :||Willem Dafoe|
|Tony D’Annunzio :||Chris Isaak|
|The Bishop :||Dean Stockwell|
|Mrs. Noonan :||Diane Ladd|
|Mr. Noonan :||Harry Dean Stanton|
|Bob the Head Greenskeeper :||Frank Silva|
|Lou Loomis :||David Lander|
|Spaulding Smails :||Sting|
|Mrs. Smails :||Isabella Rossellini|
|Laura Palmer :||Sheryl Lee|
- The club is called Darkwood instead of Bushwood.
- Carl is mowing the fairways and hits something that flies out of the mower and lands on the edge of a green. It’s a human thumb. Danny finds it and eventually shows it to Loomis, who tells him it’s a gopher’s tail.
- The sinister secret of Darkwood emerges in a scene in Carl’s shack: the club is part of a human trafficking ring where Asian girls are traded to Smails in return for American girls for the Asian market.
- Mrs. Smails is a go-between for the American syndicate and the Asian syndicate, which comes to Darkwood to meet with Smails. It is revealed that Mrs. Smails has a history with the Asian slave-trader, portrayed in a brief cameo by Kenneth McMillan.
- Early in the film Judge Smails orders Bob the Head Greenskeeper to kill Al Czervik. Bob is unsuccessful, but Carl accidentally blows Czervik up with one of the explosives intended for the gopher.
- In a scene in his shack, Carl demonstrates his expertise in kung fu and nearly kicks Ty in the head.
- In a particularly disturbing scene, Lacey Underall begs Dr. Beeper to fuck her.
- Instead of a beer tap, Al’s golf bag has an oxygen canister.
- At the beginning of the movie the Judge’s hair is dark. Midway through it changes to white overnight for no apparent reason.
- At the end of the movie, Laura Palmer appears to the gopher in a vision and tells him they’ll meet again in 25 years.
The opening credits do, in fact, feature the gopher dancing to “Water of Love.” The rest of the soundtrack is handled by The Lost Patrol.
Ah, what might have been. But now I’m wondering how Blue Velvet would have been with Rodney Dangerfield in the role of Frank Booth….