Funny

Seven reasons Charlie Strong should not be coach at Texas

Red McCombs, a noted football expert, is right. Strong doesn’t, you know, “belong.” Also, he’s a socialist fascist Satanist.

Charlie Strong

Charlie Strong and his white wife.

This week Texas AD Steve Patterson stunned college athletics by announcing the hire of Charlie Strong as coach at the University of Texas, replacing legend Mack Brown. Most pundits had argued the influential boosters of the Texas program would not allow a candidate of color to be named to the position. Now one of those, “megabooster” Red McCombs, has come forward criticizing the hire.

Despite Strong’s record as a coach, 37-15, three bowl wins in four years and two top 15 finishes in the polls, McCombs said that “Charlie” would be a fine position coach or coordinator, but was simply not up to the Texas job.

Here are the top seven reasons Charlie Strong should not be coach at Texas.

  1. He has only served as a head coach for four years.
  2. His birth certificate is obviously a forgery. Although he was claims to have been born in Arkansas, a satellite of Texas, it is believed he was actually born in a free state, north of the Mason-Dixon line.
  3. Is Charlie Strong a Satanist?

    Hook ’em, Satan!

    As is evident in this photo, Strong is only pretending to give the famous Longhorn “Hook ‘em Horns,” salute. In fact, he is making a “Satanic fist jab,” according to Fox News.

  4. At Louisville, he instituted a “team first” concept. “Team first” is code for socialism. In Texas, football teams are expected to utilize the “Me first” concept, as practiced by the Dallas Cowboys and in accordance with the U.S. Constitution.
  5. He is a fascist. Strong will attempt to put in place a system where every five-star recruit in Texas feels honor-bound to attend Texas. Under Strong’s predecessor, five-star recruits were allowed to go to winning programs.
  6. He will start a black quarterback like Teddy Bridgewater instead of plucky weak-armed Texas kids with names like “Major,” “Colt” and “Case.”
  7. Speaking of names, he does not have an appropriate name for a Texas coach, which should be mono-syllabic, e.g., “Mack,” “Nick,” “Art,” “Gus,” “Jim,” “Jon” or “Red.” Many Jews and Muslims have multi-syllabic names.

McCombs is a noted football expert. He previously owned the Minnesota Vikings, who went 47-47 during his tenure. McCombs was an active owner who worked to improve the team, which included replacing both the black quarterback and the black coach who’d led them to them to a 15-1 record the year before McCombs took over.

5 replies »

  1. I can’t stop laughing.

    I’m really torn. On the one hand, I would love to wish Strong well. On the other, this is Texas we’re talking about, and I always want them to lose every game.

    I was SO hoping they’d hire Lane Kiffin…..

  2. The piece is great. And I think for all the reasons you mention Strong will bomb at Texas. I’m not sure why any guy as smart/decent as Strong clearly is would want to go to “we drag your kind behind our pick up trucks” land. But I gotta say – that pic of Strong and Ronnie James Dio side by side waving the horns made me spit water on my keyboard….

  3. In 1999, McCombs’s Vikings replaced the quarterback after a 2 and 4 start. The next year he replaced the quarterback again, with Daunte Culpepper. This pattern — black, white, black — hardly indicates what the author seeks to imply above. As for the coach, Dennis Green was replaced after a five win season. Attributing these events to racism instead of performance is itself an unwarranted focus on race to the exclusion of other considerations.

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