–  Okay, you know how when you’re pouring a beer and you pour it too fast and all of a sudden it starts to foam up really fast and you’re like, ohmygod, and you quickly stick your mouth in it and try to suck off the extra foam before it spills all over the place? Right. Don’t try that with a toothpick in your mouth.

– CITIZENS OF CLEVELAND: it’s time for you to RISE UP. You must join hands and let your voices be heard. You must let your indignation ring down the halls of power as you demand that the Browns do something about them godawful uniforms.

– Three guys I want to have dinner with: Mel Kiper, Sr., RG2 and Little Papi. Also, if I’m ever captured by al Qaeda, send Seal Team Five.

– They say that an infinite number of monkeys banging away on an infinite number of typewriters will eventually reproduce the works of Shakespeare. The first five minutes of the new “hit” sitcom The Goldbergs? Six monkeys, 20 minutes.

– I have a love/hate relationship with humanity.

Jesus is coming. Pray for him, ’cause that pasty white motherfucker ain’t got a chance in hell….