American Culture

Is there golf in heaven?

by Jerreigh

CATEGORY: SportsIs there golf in heaven?

If so, I wonder how I’ll play. Better, I hope. But not perfect. In the cartoons, golf in heaven means a hole-in-one every time. But what’s the fun in that?

Will Tiger be able to play with Ben Hogan? Will I be able to join their foursome? Or watch at least?

It’s the challenge that makes golf fun. And the frustration.

So, if there’s golf in heaven there must also be frustration and pain. Interesting thought. Maybe heaven’s different than we think.

What about sex? Surely there’s sex in heaven. Otherwise, those guys turning themselves into martyrs with the promise of all those virgins are in for a nasty surprise. What about fetishes? If there’s sex, will there also be sex fetishes? Surely, it won’t all be missionary style. Except for the missionaries, of course. If a missionary tries a new position is it still a “missionary position”? Do they practice monogamy in heaven? For eternity? With the same person you were married to on earth? Even if you didn’t like them? What if you had more than one spouse on earth?

What about chess, tennis or other competitive activities? Or football? Will the players get hurt? Competition’s important to a lot of people. But if there’s competition in heaven, that means there’ll be winners and losers. Another interesting thought.

Ice cream. I hope there’s ice cream in heaven. Pistachio and that homemade ice cream with fresh peaches and lots of cream my parents made when I was a kid. I can hardly wait to taste that again.

What about work? Will we have jobs in heaven? Work’s extremely important to some of us. Or will we all be “retired” in heaven?

Will we need money? Will we all have enough? Will some of us be rich and some of us poor? Hope I get to be one of the rich ones. That would be a nice change.

While this may seem frivolous, I think it raises some serious theological questions. Literature’s full of stories about how we have heaven and hell mixed up in our descriptions of them here on earth. And I think there’s some truth to that. A heaven where everything’s perfect would be pretty dull. But the concept of heaven raises some interesting questions about religion.

I guess we’ll all find out someday. Or will we?

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Jerreigh is a former journalist and long-time PR practitioner (he plans to keep practicing until he gets it right) whose thoughts frequently wander into areas that are decidedly politically incorrect – like whether there’s golf in heaven. Jerreigh blames his lack of golfing skill to his onetime golf instructor who admonished him to hit the ball long and straight. As Jerreigh notes: I’ll be damned if I’m going to let anyone tell me what to do.

3 replies »

  1. Wow. What a nasty question. For the sake of argument, let’s suppose that there is such a thing as heaven. And let’s further suppose that I’m admitted. (Stop laughing – this is a hypothetical.) On the first tee I’d slice my shot into the majestic forest to the right of the fairway. I’d hack out in two or three shots and wind up with a triple bogey. On the second hole I’d hit three sandtraps on my way to a quadruple. On the third hole, a gorgeous little par three, I’d foul off my first swing, take a penalty and then loft a majestic 9 iron into the water hazard. After taking another penalty, I’d hit a nice approach to within a foot of the hole. And I’d yank the gimme an inch to the left, whereupon it would proceed to roll down the concave green, gaining speed as it went, and eventually it would be back in the water. Immediately thereupon, my putter would join it, followed by the rest of my bag, and every golfer on the course would be blushing at the ensuing torrent of scalding, decidedly unheavenlike language.

    And then I’d be evicted. From the club, certainly, and possibly from heaven altogether.

    As you can imagine, I’d rather keep golf and theology as separate as possible.

  2. Golf in heaven? Funny little essay, with imperfection trying to understand perfection. But, I must say, as far as I’m concerned, “Golf is a game for babbitts.”

  3. Sorry, no sex, food, or drink in heaven. If you believe in reincarnation (like I do), the lack of those can be seen as an incentive to come back to earth. Re golf: if you haven’t, read “Golf in the Kingdom” by Michael Murphy. (It was also turned into a movie, but it didn’t work out so well.)