by Christopher Griesedieck
(WASHINGTON, DC) “In the wake of this great national tragedy, the National Rifle Association mourns with the victims,” announced NRA President Buck Donalds at a press conference today following yet another massive protest in favor of tougher legislation on firearms.
“We certainly want the community to have space and time to mourn, and are sympathetic to calls to avoid ‘politicizing the issue’ too soon. However, the NRA feels that now is the time for action. Now is the time for conversation about serious speech control legislation to curtail irresponsible use of these oral weapons that can only serve to harm the gun-owners of America.”
Donalds noted that the Supreme Court, while it has long recognized Congress’ ability to restrict 1st Amendment speech rights with regards to time, place, and manner, has generally banned speech controls based on subject matter or content.
“It is time for the President of the United States to stand up, and close the gaping ‘subject matter’ loophole that subjects millions of gun-owners to violence every day in this country. Well, metaphorical violence.”
Donalds expressed frustration that neither candidate in the recent presidential election indicated any will to stop the rampant speech culture that threatens America’s firearms enthusiasts. He went on to address Constitutional concerns of speech advocates.
“We are fully cognizant of the Constitution’s general protection of the right to arm oneself with words in order to protect against tyranny, but our country’s founders could never have foreseen the prevalence of vitriolic anti-gun speech that we have today.
“When protesters this week pronounced that, both in the United States and across high-income nations, gun availability increases the risk of homicide, or that guns are used far more often to intimidate than in self-defense…I mean, what more evidence do you need that things have gotten out of hand?”
Donalds concluded his remarks by announcing that a free handgun was underneath the seats of everyone present at the meeting.
Please note: the foregoing passage was satirical, and not in any sense a real news report. If you did not catch that, please pause and reflect on the many ways in which you have let yourself down.
Chris Griesedieck is currently in his first year at the Georgetown University Law Center. He graduated from Boston College in 2011.