Education

GOP convention spared, God turns his judgment on Louisiana: what the hell is He mad about THIS time?

A few days it looked like The Lord Thy God was a’fixin’ to smite the Republican National Convention. Now, though, His Wrath has veered out over open water, picking up steam and drawing a bead on … no, seriously? Again? … New Orleans. Now, I don’t want to get ahead of Him here – The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, works in mysterious ways, and for all we know Hurricane Isaac might wind up smiting Kalispell before all is said and done.

Still, as it stands right now, God is casting some nasty glances in the direction of the Great State of Louisiana, and after the righteous smackdown of Katrina just a few years ago, the faithful among us have to be wondering what these folks have done to upset Him this time.

So I prayed about it and The Lord spake to me a revelation. It’s not what I expected, honestly. Turns out, He has about had it with Louisiana’s approach to education. Check this from Mother Jones.

…of the 119 (mostly Christian) participating schools, Zack Kopplin, a gutsy college sophomore who’s taken to Change.org to stonewall the program, has identified at least 19 that teach or champion creationist nonscience and will rake in nearly $4 million in public funding from the initial round of voucher designations.

Many of these schools, Kopplin notes, rely on Pensacola-based A Beka Book curriculum or Bob Jones University Press textbooks to teach their pupils Bible-based “facts,” such as the existence of Nessie the Loch Ness Monster and all sorts of pseudoscience that researcher Rachel Tabachnick and writer Thomas Vinciguerra have thankfully pored over so the rest of world doesn’t have to.

Oh my. Let’s see, what do we have here?

  • Dinosaurs and humans lived side by side. (Dangit, Cletus, did you fergit to milk the triceratops agin?)
  • Dragons were real. (Okay, this one we actually like. Dragons rule.)
  • “God used the Trail of Tears to bring many Indians to Christ.” (Lucky Indians.)
  • Slave masters mostly treated their slaves well. (Hey, it’s a poor excuse of a man that doesn’t keep his property in good working shape.)
  • The KKK was mainly concerned with upholding the standards of the community, targeting wife-beaters and the like. They were sort of a civic organization. (And they burned all those crosses so Jesus could see how much they love Him from space.)
  • “The Great Depression wasn’t as bad as the liberals made it sound.” (Which is why our truly Godly politicians are trying to make sure it happens again and again.)
  • Emily Dickinson was uppity. (True, but this is what happens when you teach womenfolk to read and write.)
  • Modern math is of the devil. “A Beka Book provides attractive, legible, and workable traditional mathematics texts that are not burdened with modern theories such as set theory.” (Everything you need to understand Quantum Physics is right there in Leviticus.)
  • “Gay people “have no more claims to special rights than child molesters or rapists.” (I don’t understand this one. Gay people are child molesters and rapists, aren’t they?)

With all due respect, citizens of Louisiana, repent. Like, right now. There’s still time for God to change course and aim Deathstar Isaac at some other den of wickedness. Otherwise, you deserve what you get.

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