A speech Obama should give

As President, I’d like to set the record straight about myself and my administration. We are intelligent people engaged in a search for solutions to the modern problems that face us. I call them the five E’s: Economy, Education, Environment, Equality, and Energy. These are the building blocks of our society. We need each of these functioning properly in order for civilization to move forward.

Economy: The economy is recovering from a disastrous experiment in deregulation, which allowed a large volume of worthless stock to pollute many of our most trustworthy financial institutions. I have addressed this problem in the Dodd-Frank Act of 2010, with the goals of increasing transparency, increasing accountability, and ending bailouts. If you haven’t read Rolling Stone’s article about how Wall Street strangled it in the womb, you should. It’s an eye opener.

Education: We have a surplus of jobs that our people are not trained to do. We need programmers, doctors, teachers, and engineers. We have drivers, cooks, and unskilled laborers. Investment in education helps everyone. Instead of workers being replaced by robots, workers could program robots to perform work currently being done by underpaid workers in foreign countries. Progress requires vision. Our workforce is more than capable of meeting our future labor requirements. We must cross this bridge together.

Environment: For whatever reason, some people refuse to acknowledge the possibility that humans may influence their environment. I suppose they don’t want the responsibility. Yet, the price of oil consumption stares us in the face, fiscal quarter after fiscal quarter. According to the myth, innovators will appear to assuage this disorder, but we cannot afford to wait until it’s too late. The price of gasoline is too high, already. It’s time to cultivate renewable domestic fuel sources, so that we can pass on to our children the same standard of living that we enjoy.

Equality: There has been some disparity of human rights within the borders of the United States during my presidency. North Carolina enacted a constitutional ban on gay marriage. Arizona instituted a race based roadside search program. These laws are destructive to the concept of who we are as Americans. The tree of freedom cannot flourish in the shadow of injustice. Equality of opportunity is paramount. That is why I granted two years temporary amnesty for all immigrant children within U.S. borders. It’s an opportunity for the best and brightest, and I believe in it.

Energy: My energy policy is simple: reduce costs, and increase energy output faster than the increase in rate of consumption. As I have said before, everything is on the table, from coal to wind to hydroelectric to nuclear. We can reach the final goal of cheap, clean, sustainable energy if we all work together and make it happen. Only then will we go back to business as usual.

Economy, Education, Environment, Equality, and Energy: These are the real issues facing our country, and these are the problems I have tackled during my first term. I have corrected the course, and piloted the ship of state through turbulent seas, in spite of the laziest House of Representatives in American history. Paul Ryan may be proud that Congress accomplished nothing for the last two years. I am proud that my administration continued the work without him. My name is Barack Obama, and I’m the President of the United States.

4 replies »

  1. “The price of gasoline is too high, already. It’s time to cultivate renewable domestic fuel sources, so that we can pass on to our children the same standard of living that we enjoy.”

    If he included this line, environmentalists might accuse him of pandering.

    Otherwise, a great piece, Mr. Booth. Thanks for contributing to S&R.

  2. Thank you, Mr. President. Near the end of your speech, you said “everything is on the table, from coal to wind to hydroelectric to nuclear.” However, this appears to be at odds with the environmental principles you outline earlier on. Can you clarify how fossil fuels such as coal being “on the table” is consistent with addressing anthropogenic climate disruption?

      • Jebus. It’s been that kind of day. It would be a miracle if I could spell my name right about now. But by golly, I know about ordering feckin’ transcripts!

        Still, anthropomorphic would make for a more interesting press conference.