The strikingly beautiful young woman — she will turn 26 years old on July 2 — approaches the podium with its waiting forest of microphones. Her hair, reddish blonde and flowing well below her shoulders, is caught briefly in a gust of wind as she walks to the front of the press corps on the granite steps of the state capitol. Eight fluted Corinthian columns line the portico behind her. She is, surprisingly, modestly and professionally dressed in a tasteful navy pants suit. For a moment, as she stands at the lectern, only the clicking of cameras is heard.
Good morning, everyone. My name is Lindsay Lohan, and today I am announcing my candidacy for the U.S. House of Representatives from my district.
Brief silence, followed by peals of laughter. Whispers of “Is this a movie promo?” drift through the throng. Lohan waits patiently, quietly, proudly for the laughter to subside.
Laugh if you wish, my fellow Americans. But I can win this race. I’m smarter than you know, and I can raise money. And if my opponent — opponents, actually; I’ll be running against the corporations funding my opponent through super PACs — wants to plaster my recent past into negative ads, I’ll bring up his and his pals’ dismal ethical performances in the House.
Lohan turns her head slightly left, as if gazing into an unfathomable distance to discern some sort of political guidance and wisdom. Shutters click; it’s a dramatic profile shot. Photographers shout and shove; the best shot might earn $10,000, certainly not in the league of a Brangelina baby shot.
As my friend and mentor, Michael Douglas, said while playing President Andrew Shepherd in The American President: “Being President of this country is entirely about character.” Well, so is being a member of the House of Representatives. In fact, I’ll bring up my sordid personal past before my opponent and his billionaire PAC-rat minions do.
Lohan lifts her chin slightly. She squares her shoulders. Nodding slightly, she grasps the sides of the lectern. She looks straight ahead. Shutters continue to click.
Have I spent time in jail? Yes. For what? I have issues with substance abuse. I’ve been charged with driving under the influence. I’ve missed drug tests. I’ve endured the horrors of home detention. But compared with the behaviors of some of the members of the House, I’m a virgin princess.
Have I tampered with witnesses? Obstructed justice? Resorted to bribery? Nope. Have I pressured business partners and employees to contribute to my campaign committee? Nope. But those are among the allegations against Florida Republican Vern Buchanan.
And what about California’s Rep. Maxine Waters? Not only is her behavior suspect, the conduct of the House Ethics Committee investigating her — talk about the blind leading the blind — isn’t much better.
Lohan pauses as if attempting to control some inner fury. Her green eyes flash angrily as a paparazzi attempts to push through the crowd to get closer. One of her bodyguards knees the photographer in the groin.
There are so many members of the House who have shamelessly shammed and scammed the American people for too long. A group called Citizens for Ethics and Responsibility in Washington routinely updates its list of “most corrupt” members of Congress. Anyone who thinks my behavior in public should disqualify me from serving in Congress ought to take a hard look at the under-the-table behavior by too many assholes in the House.
Have I been a bad girl? Sure. I’m rich, beautiful, and famous. Yes, all that went to my head. I’ve been flamed and blamed for years. But have I been a crook? No. My behaviors have actually cost me money. They put my career in the toilet for several years.
But members of the House have quietly enriched themselves in so many ways. Ask my opponent about how much money is in his Leadership PAC. Right now, it’s about $3 million. When I beat him, and force him out of office, ask him if he gets to take it with him. He does, and he’ll retire to a beach in the Bahamas on money donated to him.
And so many members cheat. I make money acting — even taking off my clothes. I sing — badly, perhaps, but it’s honest work. But 34 members of Congress increased their wealth by revising their stock portfolios based on information available to them and not the public. After having breakfast with the secretary of the Treasury, the speaker of the House moved some of his money to safer investments. And you think Lindsay Lohan is a bad character risk?
The Washington Post found that within two business days of meeting with administration officials, lawmakers changed their portfolios 166 times. But the Post has probably written more about me — none of it good, and all of it with really unflattering pictures taken in court — than it has about conflicts of interest in Congress.
Lohan eyes the photographer still groaning on the ground in front of the lecturn. “Shut the fuck up,” she says, irritated. The bodyguard kicks the photographer to reinforce her request.
The media make it seem like I’m a drug-crazed bitch who sleeps around. They say I’m a lesbian because they think I slept with Samantha Ronson. But look who my opponent — an incumbent — and other members of Congress sleep with.
Don’t call me a whore: Look to Congress first. As of June 28, 2012, 640 groups organized as Super PACs have reported total receipts of $240,214,583 and total independent expenditures of $134,107,477 in the 2012 cycle. That’s a quarter of a billion dollars given to super PACs supporting, among others, congressional candidates. Are you going to believe that members of Congress aren’t whoring themselves out to special interests? Did you know that 57 members of Congress are among the wealthiest 1 percent of Americans? And did you know that from 2004 to 2010, the median net worth of members of Congress jumped 15 percent? Even as Americans overall saw their net worth drop 8 percent?
So you tell me who’s the whore. I won’t need to metaphorically fall on my back for money like so many members of Congress do. Given that the House only works a few days a week, I can make movies on weekends for millions — far more than I could dialing for dollars from some national committee safehouse or partying with heavy hitters in the district. Hell, I do that now. And they like me.
If voters think I’m not qualified to be in Congress because of my record of personal behavior, or because I’m a woman, or because I may have sexual proclivities of which they disapprove, or because I have a court record, fine. But compare me with members of the House — not the general public. Those House bastards make me look positively angelic.
And if I need to raise a million dollars in an afternoon, I won’t need to call the Koch brothers. All I need to do is this.
Lohan moves from behind the lectern. She stands in front of the crowd and reaches for the top button of her blouse …