You ain't seen nothing yet–Romney's plural vice-presidency

There once was a POTUS Obama
Who refused to entertain any drama.
But that GOP gang
Loves der sturm and der drang,
Just wait til you see Veep-o-rama!

OK, OK, so drang doesn’t exactly rhyme with gang. I’m from Waycross, Georgia, what do I know about German? (Or as the editor of this site would argue, what do I know about English?)

Now the fun starts. Predicting the GOP vice presidential candidate is as difficult as predicting the presidential nominee was easy. (For the record, we picked the final four candidates and predicted Romney’s win a year ago, and even predicted the order in which the wannabes would fall out and why–more or less. Yes, I am still bragging.)

The reason is simple. Picking a vice presidential candidate is like going into the 7-11 to buy a granola bar and a bottle of apple juice, but walking out with a giant bag of Doritos, three Snickers bars and a 64 ounce raspberry Slurpee. Your intentions are good, but something else catches your eye right before the checkout, and boom! Impulse takes over and you do something so stupid that it makes the entire cast of SNL dance a jig, because they know they now have six months of killer material.

It happens to the soberest of candidates from both parties. They vet every candidate in America thoroughly, but then hastily choose one who forgets to mention he’s mentally ill (Thomas Eagleton) or that her husband is a crook (Geraldine Ferraro). Every election, one party or the other has a brain cramp and goes for the worst possible choice at the last minute. Yes, Palin was bad, but how do you think John Kerry felt about waking up in Boston with his pants hanging from the chandelier and John Edwards drooling on the pillow beside him?

And in no election in recent memory has the opportunity to look foolish been higher.

The idea is to pick a veep that complements the candidate, that rounds out the presidential candidate’s flat spots. This time the Republicans have chosen a candidate that has more flat spots than a hexnut. Southerners. Midwesterners. Evangelicals. Hispanics. Poor people (defined as anyone who makes less than $100 million a year). Blue collars. Women. He needs a plural vice presidency, with four or five different veeps to appeal to different groups. But sadly for him, this is America, not Utah, and he has to pick one.

And never has the pool of candidates been weaker. There are candidates with no relevant experience and no experience whatsoever. There are candidates so sophoric they make Romney look like Regis. There are proven losers and the perpetually lost. There are positions-of-convenience and Christians-of-convenience. Talk about a path to victory–the only paths in this group are sociopaths.

This is going to be fun.

Christie, Santorum, Rubio and Thune
What a collection of screw-ups and loons,
Barbour, Pawlenty, Jindal and Paul
We haven’t begun to catalog them all,
I forgot Martinez, Haley and Daniels (not Boone).

Stay tuned folks, it’s time for the Veep bracket. Coming soon!

3 replies »

  1. Love the 7-11 analogy! I knew there was a reason I wasn’t missing the hockey playoffs too much this spring.

  2. Coming soon: a Southern, Evangelical, Hispanic (converted from Catholic), Female, with 2.3 children, no nanny and an invisible husband.