Hey Mitt, let's see a birth certificate. Or two.

So, let me get this straight. Mitt did well in Nevada because he is a favorite son because he’s from nearby Utah. And until this morning he was expected to win Michigan because he’s a favorite son there. Then he will be expected to take Massachussetts because he’s a favorite son there? Sheesh, poor Barry doesn’t even have one birth certificate and it sounds like this guy has a drawerful. Maybe Mitt can loan Obama one.

Maybe, but whatever you do, Mr. President, don’t take one from the Massachussetts.

See, in a post earlier this week it dawned on me that Massachussetts presidential candidates generally don’t do well, even when they are by far the best candidates (yep, I’m looking at you, John Kerry.) Jack Kennedy was the first president from Massachussetts since the Adams family, and he wouldn’t have won if my peeps in Chicago hadn’t used some creative math when we counted the votes. (Yes, I know Bush Senior was born in Massachussetts, but we didn’t know that when we elected him the first time. When we found out, we sent him back to northern Mexico or wherever the heck he lives.)

The issue, really, is that people from Massachussetts are obnoxious. They have an accent that sounds like someone stuffed their nostrils with cod, a wildly inflated sense of self-importance, and treat the rest of us like we are servants. And it’s always been that way. Cotton Mather was an asshole a hundred years before America even existed. The obnoxiousness of the Commonwealth of Massachussetts predates the Commonwealth. Even worse than people born in Massachussetts are people who move to Massachussetts (yes, I am looking at you Harvard undergrads. And MIT. And BU. And BC. And Vassar.) Indeed, transplants may be FAR worse.

In South Carolina, Chicago, and Minnesota Kevin Garnett was a good guy. Bu then he joined the Celtics, where he turned into a whiny jerk. (By the way, the NBA makes the Kremlin look like a quilting bee. Ex-Celtic McHale shipping Garnett to Boston in exchange for a bag of popcorn was the third most suspicious deal in NBA history, just edged out by Pat Ewing going to the Knicks in the lottery and ex-Laker Jerry West shipping Pau Gasol to the Lakers for two janitors and the transmission from a Jugo. Oh wait, I forgot about the amazing coincidence that lead to Chamberlain, Jabbar, and O’Neal, the three best centers in history, all ending up in LA.) Schilling, Clemens and Moss were always assholes, but they became much bigger assholes as soon as they hit Beantown.

There’s something about the place. It turns nice people into jerks, jerks into sociopaths, and sociopaths into PhDs. Let’s be honest. Massachussetts is the capital of Progressive America, and even we Progressives don’t really like the place.

Maybe it’s because when we try to like Boston, they make it so-o-o-o-o hard. We all loved the story of the Red Sox winning after a century of futility, until someone actually gave those guys a microphone. Yeccchhhh. (We also learned that the Red Sox miracle owed more to Big Pharma than Big Papi, but that’s another issue.) And the Pats were a cool story, until we learned that Belichik owes his game planning success to lessons learned at the G. Gordon Liddy School of Sportsmaship. You wait, sooner or later we will find out that Brady’s beautiful hair is actually a wig woven by child slave labor in Myanmar or that the Tappit Brothers both drive Mercedes and have never worked on an American car in their lives. There’s no such thing as a happy ending from up there.

So, Mitt, maybe it’s not your fault that you’ve been overtaken in the polls by an underfunded nutcase from Pennsylvania. Maybe it’s not all those stupid things you say. (Remember saying that just like the troops in Iraq, your sons were serving their country by campaigning for you in Iowa? That was brilliant–it’s not that easy to insult the armed services, Iowa, your family and Iraq all in one sentence.)

Maybe it’s not you. Maybe it’s Massachussetts destiny. Ohmigod.

8 replies »

  1. Well Mitt might have a birth certificate but if his daddy George was still a citizen of Mexico the day Mitt was born Mitt is not a natural born American citizen! Mitt would then be just like Obama and not be Constitutionally eligible to be POTUS! Who is digging up all these ineligble candidates? Why? Well if you spend the big bucks to get a ineligible man elected POTUS and he knows, you know, he is ineligible, you own him! All you have to do if he doesn’t do as you tell him to do is release the fact he is not natural born and you can remove a setting President from office! That’s POWER!

  2. Um, I know people who went to Vassar and they’re really great people. But thats probably because Vassar is in Poughkeepsie, NY not Masachussetts

  3. I suppose I was thinking of Wellesley and the whole seven sisters thing, but no excuse for a mistake like that. So it looks like when those people in Massachussetts treat me like I am a moron, it’s OK because they’re right. 🙂 Thanks.

  4. Not to mention misspelling Massachusetts or bashing both Texas and Mexico as “northern Mexico or wherever the heck he lives”. What did we ever do to you except provide the highest teen pregnancy rate in the nation for you to mock?

    BTW, is that moron or mormon? I have trouble telling the two apart since it seems to me that either might wear magic underwear given the chance.

  5. austxjr

    What have you done to us? Delay, Rove, and two Bushes.

    But you’re right, I should not have drug poor Mexico into this. They didn’t deserve that.

  6. Mexico appreciates your concession I’m sure. Delay was Houston’s fault, but if I remember correctly you are from Georgia and not entirely without blame yourownbadself.

    Rove I will say is our fault, but the country has only itself to blame for the two Bushes (and the first was considerably less bad than the last though it didn’t seem it at the time). I don’t know if you have ever heard the saying that “you have to take the good with the bad” but perhaps those are what you get for the LBJ we gave you as well? Just think about what the country might be like without the legislative acumen and determination of LBJ. Hopefully, you will think little better of Texas from now on, but if not I do have to say that I love my state and my fellow Texans, but I often don’t like it and what they do so (or at least their politics and what they do in the name of politics) that is why I live in Austin! I do have to say that Texans are some of the most friendly and accommodating folks in the world in most cases and people have confirmed this in my travels across the world as I’m always more welcomed as a Texan than as an American. We do have our faults here in Texas (shhh, I’ll get kicked out if they hear me say that) but I think our good qualities far outweigh them.

  7. As far as Rove, what could we do, shoot him?

    Here is a pretty good list of folks who came out of Texas that counter balances the four you named (two of which the country only has itself to blame as Molly Ivins and Anne Richards warned you about them and Delay is definitely Houston’s fault) and then some IMHO.

    Heck if H. Ross Perot hadn’t run in ’92 adn ’96 Clinton would have had a much harder time getting elected and we wouldn’t have all those high nasally Perot jokes to keep us laughin’ until 43 came along. Even Claytie Williams had his contribution to humor, though in many ways it was enough to make you cry.

    So you have Anne Richards, Molly Ivins, Barbara Jordan, Oveta Culp Hobby, Lloyd Bentsen, J.J. “Jake” Pickle and many others here –

    So see Texas ain’t all bad and then there IS what LBJ hath wrought.