So, let me get this straight. Mitt did well in Nevada because he is a favorite son because he’s from nearby Utah. And until this morning he was expected to win Michigan because he’s a favorite son there. Then he will be expected to take Massachussetts because he’s a favorite son there? Sheesh, poor Barry doesn’t even have one birth certificate and it sounds like this guy has a drawerful. Maybe Mitt can loan Obama one.
Maybe, but whatever you do, Mr. President, don’t take one from the Massachussetts.
See, in a post earlier this week it dawned on me that Massachussetts presidential candidates generally don’t do well, even when they are by far the best candidates (yep, I’m looking at you, John Kerry.) Jack Kennedy was the first president from Massachussetts since the Adams family, and he wouldn’t have won if my peeps in Chicago hadn’t used some creative math when we counted the votes. (Yes, I know Bush Senior was born in Massachussetts, but we didn’t know that when we elected him the first time. When we found out, we sent him back to northern Mexico or wherever the heck he lives.)
The issue, really, is that people from Massachussetts are obnoxious. They have an accent that sounds like someone stuffed their nostrils with cod, a wildly inflated sense of self-importance, and treat the rest of us like we are servants. And it’s always been that way. Cotton Mather was an asshole a hundred years before America even existed. The obnoxiousness of the Commonwealth of Massachussetts predates the Commonwealth. Even worse than people born in Massachussetts are people who move to Massachussetts (yes, I am looking at you Harvard undergrads. And MIT. And BU. And BC. And Vassar.) Indeed, transplants may be FAR worse.
In South Carolina, Chicago, and Minnesota Kevin Garnett was a good guy. Bu then he joined the Celtics, where he turned into a whiny jerk. (By the way, the NBA makes the Kremlin look like a quilting bee. Ex-Celtic McHale shipping Garnett to Boston in exchange for a bag of popcorn was the third most suspicious deal in NBA history, just edged out by Pat Ewing going to the Knicks in the lottery and ex-Laker Jerry West shipping Pau Gasol to the Lakers for two janitors and the transmission from a Jugo. Oh wait, I forgot about the amazing coincidence that lead to Chamberlain, Jabbar, and O’Neal, the three best centers in history, all ending up in LA.) Schilling, Clemens and Moss were always assholes, but they became much bigger assholes as soon as they hit Beantown.
There’s something about the place. It turns nice people into jerks, jerks into sociopaths, and sociopaths into PhDs. Let’s be honest. Massachussetts is the capital of Progressive America, and even we Progressives don’t really like the place.
Maybe it’s because when we try to like Boston, they make it so-o-o-o-o hard. We all loved the story of the Red Sox winning after a century of futility, until someone actually gave those guys a microphone. Yeccchhhh. (We also learned that the Red Sox miracle owed more to Big Pharma than Big Papi, but that’s another issue.) And the Pats were a cool story, until we learned that Belichik owes his game planning success to lessons learned at the G. Gordon Liddy School of Sportsmaship. You wait, sooner or later we will find out that Brady’s beautiful hair is actually a wig woven by child slave labor in Myanmar or that the Tappit Brothers both drive Mercedes and have never worked on an American car in their lives. There’s no such thing as a happy ending from up there.
So, Mitt, maybe it’s not your fault that you’ve been overtaken in the polls by an underfunded nutcase from Pennsylvania. Maybe it’s not all those stupid things you say. (Remember saying that just like the troops in Iraq, your sons were serving their country by campaigning for you in Iowa? That was brilliant–it’s not that easy to insult the armed services, Iowa, your family and Iraq all in one sentence.)
Maybe it’s not you. Maybe it’s Massachussetts destiny. Ohmigod.