Funny

Auld Lang Newt: Gingrich’s messiah complex

by Robert S. Becker

Here’s my New Year’s gift, a light bauble of a jingle for those normally put off by reason in rhyme. I gave up trying to take Newt seriously enough to write prose for him; like Kissinger per Tom Lehrer, he’s moving himself beyond satire. But I found a thesis and inspiration from that famous lyric celebrated by heavy drinkers. Enjoy.

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should this self-adoring crackpot,
Not by satire be enshrined?

We’ve fallen hard, to grisly bottom,
Underneath Perry, Bachmann, Cain –
Halfwit hayseeds spewing hokum –
Now worse – a cynical pimp urbane.

Yes, next to Romney, stilted, wary,
Newt’s a churning “idea machine;”
Playing bombastic clown contrary,
He taints “debate” with gab obscene.

Newt dismisses his crimes in arrears,
Touts the “historian,” Tiffany-rich;
Yet reprisal for his career of smears
Explodes as victims openly snitch.

Newt dumped both used-up wives,
Twin “family values” disgrace;
Yet full absolution he contrives,
Self-pardoned by self-anointed grace.

Driving this facile self-deception
Conversion to the Roman church:
What better feeds self-genuflection
Than “St. Newt,” risen, un-besmirched?

In his mind a legend, past and present,
Wielding God’s infallible sword,
Newt’s hubris locks on transcendence
Just install his throne near the Lord.

Join his holier-than-thou campaign,
The sinner with self-expiated sin,
Redemption past the material plane,
In case Jesus needs a stand-in twin.

Illustration by Paul Szep.

1 reply »

  1. Excellent graphic from Mr. Szep, as usual. Glad to see the Newt falling back to the bottom of the barrel since this appeared. Of course poets can’t take credit for this result, especially in wacky Iowa GOPland. And yet, who knows, this modest verse is yet to go viral.