I, and most people who think they know something about football, have been pretty vocal about the fact that Tebow sucks as a quarterback. The people who disagree with us insist his intangibles make up for his lack of tangibles, an argument so absurd that we have trouble getting our heads around it. If tangibles don’t matter, maybe I should not have been so quick to dismiss a career as a porn star.
Of course, what drives most of us crazy is that the people who are making the argument for Tebow happen to be not only white, but bat-shit crazy evangelicals, raising the suspicion in our minds that maybe this isn’t about football and logic at all, but about racism or religion. After all, for years after blacks were finally allowed to play professional football they weren’t allowed to play quarterback because they lacked intangibles like intelligence, unlike white quarterbacks like Terry Bradshaw and Kerry Collins, the latter of whom was so smart that he thought his offensive line (the guys charged with protecting him) would enjoy hearing racist jokes. But Kerry failed to notice his O-line was black, and the next game they looked less like football players and more like matadors letting bulls rush by. In other words, the intelligence thing was yet another bit of back door discrimination.
And evangelicals really do believe that God intercedes actively and continuously in daily events, meaning there’s no reason not to believe that he would stick out a heavenly toe to trip a cornerback if it meant one of Timmy’s recievers could get open. Of course that still leaves the problem that Tim is about as accurate as a forty-four magnum handgun with a sawed-off barrel, that is to say, not at all. So there’s no guarantee that Tim could hit said reciever if he stood all by himself in the middle of the field while God smote every defender in sight.
But tonight, having watched Tebow’s crew win another game they should not have won, I am rethinking my position. No, I still don’t think God, were he or she to exist, would bother to rig a professional sports game for the benefit of a handful of fans. Nor do I believe that if she were to do so, she would do it for evangelicals, who are about as obnoxious as you can get and not be a coach for Penn State. And I certainly don’t believe that Tebow can throw or ever will be able to.
But what I am rethinking is my belief that you have to be able to throw to be a quarterback. Maybe you don’t. Maybe I’ve been brainwashed by listening to thousands of hours of ESPN and the like where broadcasters drone on about “this is quarterback’s league” and “you must have an elite quarterback to win.” Because obviously, that ain’t true. Philip Rivers can throw a football through a donut at sixty yards and what good has that done the Chargers? Tebow throws like my sister and he’s 4 and 1.
Maybe the fact that Matt Millen, the one human being who has proved beyond all doubt that he knows absolutely nothing about football, can get a job as an expert should have tipped me off.
In other words, Tebow is fine. It’s football that’s fucked.