Funny

Tebow Love

OK.

I, and most people who think they know something about football, have been pretty vocal about the fact that Tebow sucks as a quarterback. The people who disagree with us insist his intangibles make up for his lack of tangibles, an argument so absurd that we have trouble getting our heads around it. If tangibles don’t matter, maybe I should not have been so quick to dismiss a career as a porn star.

Of course, what drives most of us crazy is that the people who are making the argument for Tebow happen to be not only white, but bat-shit crazy evangelicals, raising the suspicion in our minds that maybe this isn’t about football and logic at all, but about racism or religion. After all, for years after blacks were finally allowed to play professional football they weren’t allowed to play quarterback because they lacked intangibles like intelligence, unlike white quarterbacks like Terry Bradshaw and Kerry Collins, the latter of whom was so smart that he thought his offensive line (the guys charged with protecting him) would enjoy hearing racist jokes. But Kerry failed to notice his O-line was black, and the next game they looked less like football players and more like matadors letting bulls rush by. In other words, the intelligence thing was yet another bit of back door discrimination.

And evangelicals really do believe that God intercedes actively and continuously in daily events, meaning there’s no reason not to believe that he would stick out a heavenly toe to trip a cornerback if it meant one of Timmy’s recievers could get open. Of course that still leaves the problem that Tim is about as accurate as a forty-four magnum handgun with a sawed-off barrel, that is to say, not at all. So there’s no guarantee that Tim could hit said reciever if he stood all by himself in the middle of the field while God smote every defender in sight.

But tonight, having watched Tebow’s crew win another game they should not have won, I am rethinking my position. No, I still don’t think God, were he or she to exist, would bother to rig a professional sports game for the benefit of a handful of fans. Nor do I believe that if she were to do so, she would do it for evangelicals, who are about as obnoxious as you can get and not be a coach for Penn State. And I certainly don’t believe that Tebow can throw or ever will be able to.

But what I am rethinking is my belief that you have to be able to throw to be a quarterback. Maybe you don’t. Maybe I’ve been brainwashed by listening to thousands of hours of ESPN and the like where broadcasters drone on about “this is quarterback’s league” and “you must have an elite quarterback to win.” Because obviously, that ain’t true. Philip Rivers can throw a football through a donut at sixty yards and what good has that done the Chargers? Tebow throws like my sister and he’s 4 and 1.

Maybe the fact that Matt Millen, the one human being who has proved beyond all doubt that he knows absolutely nothing about football, can get a job as an expert should have tipped me off.

In other words, Tebow is fine. It’s football that’s fucked.

5 replies »

  1. Maybe it’s the Broncos defense that should get some love. Tebow and Co. only put up 10 points of offense. That won’t win too many games, but the Broncos defense held Sanchez and the Jets to a net 6 points (factoring in the pick 6). Really, all the Broncos are doing is playing AFC North smashball with a side of option/wildcat. The Jets had the right idea (put 8 in the box and make Tebow beat you through the air), but they kinda needed their offense to show up to seal the deal.

    • Yeah, the Denver D is really starting to come around. They haven’t shut down a great offense yet, but when you compare them to where they were this time last year it’s amazing how far they’ve come. Being healthy helps a lot.

      O Coordinator Mike McCoy is doing a great job, too. NFL defenses don’t see an option offense, so it’s like what happens used to happen to a college team when they’d have one game a year against an Army or Air Force (before the read option became prevalent). I still can’t quite believe a defense as good as the Jets collapsed on that TD play. I mean, it’s like they said we’re bringing the house, but we’re coming up the middle because he’d NEVER think to run around the edge.

      The shot of Rex walking the sideline shaking his head said it all.

      In any event, the Jets last night showed the rest of the league how to stop the Bronco offense. That they lost their minds for a second and forgot the most basic principle of how to play defense (CONTAIN, dammit) notwithstanding, what you saw last night is what you’ll see the rest of the year. Three nose tackles, eight or nine in the box on every play, quicks on the edge, and lots of passes into the seats.

  2. Yeah, but at some point it becomes difficult to explain away. We all predicted Tebow’s demise would be Oakland because Miami was, well, Miami. Then we said Detroit. Then we said the Jets. He won two of the three games we predicted he would get killed in.

    And yes, why the Jets suddenly forget contain with a running quarterback will be a mystery for all time, but I am from Chicago, and I dont know why they kick to Devin Hester either.

    • It’s always possible that I’m wrong. Been wrong before. And we’ll see.

      But I don’t think so. Like I say, the Jets collapsed for no good reason at the end. Before that, they had built the template on how to deal with that offense and it worked like magic. Expect the Doncs to see nothing but more of it the rest of the year.

  3. I wouldn’t say the Jets’ D collapsed for no good reason. They collapsed because they were getting tired. AFC North smashball is all about wearing down the other team with a steady diet of power running. Those games are won and lost in the fourth quarter. The Doncs will fare well against poorly-conditioned teams and those with a lack of depth on their D-lines. If you see a team putting their bottom four D-linemen up against the Doncs a lot in the 1st & 2nd quarters, you’ll know that the Doncs will be in trouble.