American Culture

Hell no, Chaz Bono should not be on Dancing With the Stars. Wait – never mind…

Sweet hell – can you believe they’re going to let Chaz Bono compete on Dancing With the Stars? What a travesty.

Oh, no. Not because of that. We’re perfectly down with a transgender competitor. That couldn’t bother us less. No, the issue is more essential: since when did Chaz Bono become a star? His Wikipedia entry calls him a “transgender advocate, writeractor, and musician.” Yeah, he has earned a profile for the advocacy work, which is great, but if we’re being honest here, we have to admit that Chaz’s main claim to fame was being born to famous parents.

I mean, this show is about dancing with, you know, the stars. Stars, bitches. Famous people. Cultural luminaries. Paparazzi-bait. Who the hell is Chaz Freakin’ Bono compared to the real stars who normally appear on the show? Stars like…ummm, hold on a second. Searching, searching….okay, this can’t be right, can it?

  • Drew Lachey is allegedly a singer and actor, but mainly he’s Nick Lachey’s brother.
  • Sabrina Bryan was in some Disney film called The Cheetah Girls, I guess?
  • Melissa Rycroft was a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and was on The Bachelorette, right? Should I just rest my case right here? No, let’s forge ahead.
  • Joey Lawrence was on Gimme a Break!, Blossom, and Melissa & Joey. Wow. I bet the paparazzi stake out his crib around the clock, yo.
  • Cristián de la Fuente is a star in Chilé. Does that count?
  • Tia Carrerre? You’re joking, right?
  • Jake Pavelka was on The Bachelor. Okay, what the hell is going on here? You realize that “star” is the same word we use for people like Meryl Streep, right?
  • Jake Ryan’s high spot was Hannah Montana.
  • Kendra Wilkinson is best known for being one of Hef’s three girlfriends. (Notice how I got all the way through this one without using the work “prostitute”?)
  • Joey McIntyre used to be in New Kids. I think he was one of the ones that they kept the mic way down on.
  • Nancy Grace. America’s #1 shrew and as great a threat to the Sixth Amendment as it is possible for one harpy to be.
  • Elisabetta Canalis. Here’s how MTV puts this one: “Canalis is best known for her highly publicized two-year romance with one of America’s favorite ‘Sexiest Men Alive,’ George Clooney.” So, for all you little girls looking for a way to make a name for yourself in the world, it isn’t what you know. It isn’t what you accomplish. It isn’t how hard you work. No, it’s who you fuck.
  • Let me just paste this next one straight out of the Wiki entry, because I can’t really improve on it: “Albert Reed (born March 6, 1985) is an American model featured in numerous high-end clothing ads and commercials. Raised in the surf culture of Vero Beach, Florida, Reed’s modeling career accelerated at the age of 19 after appearing on the cover of Abercrombie & Fitch’s 2004 back-to-school catalog.”
  • Steve-O – yeah, he was in Jackass. ‘Nuff said.
  • Rob Kardashian. Because “Kardashian” is derived from the ancient Armenian word for “I smell ratings!”
  • Trista Sutter – yet another Bachelorette.
  • Holly Madison is another of Hef’s girlfriends. So don’t think of it as a trick, think of it as an investment in your future.
  • By the way, so far my research hasn’t turned up anybody who qualifies as a star just because they were in a group scene out at Charlie Sheen’s place, but it’s only a matter of time.
  • The Situation. No, really. The Situation is a star.

So, a “star” is somebody that you may have heard of if you watch too much reality TV, or maybe soap operas or Disney films or if you track LA’s increasingly gentrified pornosphere. Am I close?

Back to Chaz. Never mind what I said above. In every conceivable way imaginable he is going to raise the profile of this show. Compared to what the DWtS casting department normally dredges up, Chaz Bono is Brando in his fucking prime.

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