Dick Cheney hearts Osama bin Laden

by Dawn Farmer

Am i the only one who’s been wondering (for like nine years now) why Osama bin Laden seems to share foreign policy goals with a broad group of people i like to call Dick Cheney? He wanted the US to invade Afghanistan, and so did Dick Cheney. Remember when he made a campaign spot for John Kerry right before the election? Dick Cheney couldn’t have gotten better than that from Karl Rove. The tape before this last one had Osama bin Laden going on about global warming, confirming Dick Cheney’s message that environmentalism is the same as terrorism.

This last one though, this last bin Laden tape takes the cake.

For the first time in a bin Laden proclamation, he singleded out France. Osama has a special message for you cheese-eating surrender monkeys*, if you don’t get out of Afghanistan, he’s coming for you. It’s strange because it coincides pretty much perfectly with France’s announcement that its 3,500 troops will be withdrawn from Afghanistan.

It makes sense to pick off coalition members individually at this point. NATO set a tentative withdrawal date, western nations are trimming fat from budgets, and popular sentiment is broadly against military involvement in Afghanistan. Canada and the Netherlands have already announced that they’ll be getting out of the game. France looks like the easiest target: threaten them so that they leave and produce a propaganda moment too. Still, the timing is such that one has to wonder if bin Laden has intelligence assets within the French government so as to be privy to the decision.

I have a hard time believing that Mr. bin Laden has those capabilities. On the other hand, i assume that the uppermost echelons of Dick Cheney do have access to that kind of information. Weird, isn’t it?

Sure, Dick Cheney wants France to stay in Afghanistan while Osama is on record as wanting France out…but doesn’t it sound just like how Dick Cheney would go about convincing France to stay? So while Osama can claim some sort of propaganda victory with this tape and French announcement, Dick Cheney either gets his own “I told you so” moment or convinces the French to stay so that they don’t look like they’re being pushed around by a terrorist. Anyone wanna place a bet on a terrorist attack in France linked to Al Qaeda? Haven’t we recently been told to stay away from the continent of Europe because there might be a terrorist attack there sometime in the future?

Don’t get me wrong…i’m not leveling the accusation that Osama bin Laden is part of Dick Cheney or even that he’s on Dick Cheney’s payroll. I just find it odd that they seem to share so many goals and interests. So in these troubling times, i sometimes comfort myself by imagining them finding each other on the internet and falling in love. Maybe if they took long, hand-holding walks on the beach together they’d have less time for fucking up the world.

*It’s just a Simpsons reference. The people of France have been showing Americans what courage and being willing to fight for republican ideals actually looks like. Too bad America ignores it.