The move is afoot to add pole-dancing to the Olympics. No, I’m not making that up, and no, I’m not talking about what happens every Saturday night in clubs all over Warsaw. If you’ve suffered through “athletic” competitions like synchronized swimming (Busby Berkeley choreography in water), curling (there’s a pregnant woman on the Canadian team) and ice dancing (really, wouldn’t we all enjoy it more if it were ice line dancing?) you probably figured it was only a matter of time. My guess is that the judges will stuff dollar bills into the athletes’ thongs, and whoever closes the cabaret down with the most cash wins gold. From a development standpoint this one would be easy on the organizing committee, since there are already a lot of venues out by the airport.
So today S&R leaps into the fray with some recommendations for new sports we’d love to see added to the 2014 Winter Games.
- Bobcross: We love skicross. We love snowboardcross. We love bobsledding. Give us four sleds and a course carved out of the side of a mountain of ice – first to the bottom wins. We think you’d need a two-man (men’s and women’s, of course), a four-man and an eight-man coed competition. Trust me, ain’t nobody beating Jimmie Johnson, the driver of the US-1 sled, to the bottom of the hill.
- Nude Luge: We really can’t wait for the mixed doubles here.
- Men’s Pairs Ice Prancing: Hell, we’re 99% of the way there already. To make it interesting, teams will be paired with contestants from Project Runway on the costume design portion of the competition. Tim Gunn can coach the US team and judging will be handled by Heidi Klum, Nina Garcia and Topamericandesignermichael Kors.
Scholars & Rogues supports the ongoing mission of the International Olympic Committee to grow the Olympic tradition. In fact, I personally am already in training for the 2016 Summer Games, where I hope to medal in the Walking Down to the 7-11 to Grab a Quick Cup of Coffee competition.