Beers gone nuclear can only lead to mutual assured destruction

According to a BBC report:

A controversial Scottish brewery has launched what it described as the world’s strongest beer — with a 32% alcohol content. Tactical Nuclear Penguin has been unveiled by BrewDog of Fraserburgh.

At its website, BrewDog boasts that its “‘Tactical Nuclear Penguin’ beats the previous record of 31% held by German beer brand Schorschbraer.”

Intended for battlefield use, tactical nuclear weapons pack a significantly lower yield than the heavyweight nukes, which, of course, are known as strategic. (How the phrase “strategic” was appropriated for nuclear weapons is a subject for future post.) Despite a size intended to facilitate their utilization, tactical nukes are still judged too hot to handle by those nuclear powers that have developed them (the United States, the Soviet Union, the United Kingdom, and France).

If BrewDog’s new beer was called “Strategic Nuclear,” the wary drinker might fear the high alcohol content would lay waste to him, her, or the whole bar. “Tactical” suggests that, if the beer is used judiciously, its effects are manageable. (The word “penguin” in its brand name signifies the amount of time the beer has spent exposed to extreme cold, which apparently boosts the alcohol content.)

The BBC report also mentions that “BrewDog was previously branded irresponsible for an 18.2% beer called Tokyo” — after the World War II bombing? — “which it then followed with a low alcohol beer called” — drum roll, please — “Nanny State.”

Clearly this is a company with a sense of humor. But, too, it’s a company with a plan. BrewDog is soliciting 10,000 investors online through a program called Equity for Punks.

The BBC also reports quotes a representative of a group Called Alcohol Focus Scotland named Jack Law, who said: “We want to know why a brewer would produce a beer almost as strong as whisky.”

Yeah, and we disarmament advocates want to know why the national defense establishment would produce weapons as strong as nuclear.

One can’t help but wonder: Will Schorschbraer seek to redress the brewery balance of power by breaking BrewDog’s record for alcohol content with the aforementioned Strategic Nuclear beer. Instead of using cold brewing, it will exponentially increase the alcoholic content with extreme heat — thermonuclear, in fact.

Eventually, the breweries will realize that their high-yield beers are only good for deterrence. Nobody will be able to drink them without killing themselves.

First posted at the Faster Times.

6 replies »

  1. jeez. in a day of israel vs. the gaza strip, this is all we need. now we have a new arms race between scotland and germany. as someone who’s allergic to beer who has spent an oktoberfest in Munich, this won’t end well.

  2. I’m all for “beer that works”, but 32% seems not just outrageous but basically undrinkable. I know that they say the long aging fixes that, but i’m not willing to believe until i drink…which i probably never will.

  3. When I used to drink beer, I remember trying Carlsberg Elephant (a pretty strong beer) and thinking basically, “It’s counterintuitive to have to sip beer.”

    • I’m telling you, out here we get barleywines that are 13% or so, and that’s just ridonculous. 32%? Jebus – I’m not sure even them crazy-ass Bush girls could suck one of them down without getting a little tipsy….