Welcome to my home. Have a seat at the table and prepare yourself for a mighty holiday feast. Enjoy! … First off, we need to say grace … Let’s watch the parade on TV while we eat … Hmm, switch it to football … What would you like to drink? Wine? … Beer? … Pop? … Punch? … Milk? … Let’s start off with some salad … Crackers too … Not sure what’s in this basket, might be rolls or biscuits or something … Personally I prefer the rich taste of cornbread … Start passing these around: Deviled eggs … Golden creamed corn … Or corn on the cob, if you want … Green bean casserole covered in French fried onions … Squash … Carrots … Peas … Roasted potatoes … Spinach … (Who knows what the hell this is—just eat it) … Please pass the salt … And the pepper … Ooh yeah, mashed potatoes … With lots of gravy … Plenty of stuffing … And here comes the birds! A couple of big turkeys … A duck … Chicken … Turducken … Tofurkey … Or perhaps you like ham … Here’s mint jelly to go with that … We even have fish … Oh crap, almost forgot the cranberry sauce! … C’mon, please try a taste of Auntie Penelope’s lime Jello with shredded carrot on top (at least while she’s looking) … Hope you’re not full yet, because here come the desserts! Pumpkin pie … Sweet potato pie … Apple pie … Cookies … Nuts … And of course, ice cream! … Let’s top it off with some samples from this potent pitcher of egg nog I fixed up special … That was great—now it’s time to retire to the living room, lay down and watch more football … Talk about Black Friday … And finally, doze off on the couch. ∞