Funny

Larry King writing sequel to 'My Remarkable Journey'

by Brad Jacobson

In an interview with the Al Jazeera news network today, legendary talk show host Larry King revealed he’s already writing a sequel to his new autobiography “My Remarkable Journey.” King said the follow-up autobiography, with the working title “If You’re Not Nauseous Yet, You Will Be,” will disclose many juicy anecdotes and surprises he couldn’t fit into his current book.

King, who’s been making the rounds to promote “My Remarkable Journey,” provided Al Jazeera with the following teasers that readers can expect to find in “If You’re Not Nauseous Yet, You Will Be”:

Geraldo Foiled Three-Way with Zahn

In 1999, over dinner at Katz’s Deli, Paula Zahn invited King and Geraldo Rivera back to her apartment for a ménage à trois, but King and Rivera’s bitter disagreement over which of them should pick up the check caused Zahn to rescind her offer and storm out.

“That really would’ve been something,” King said wistfully. “Paula Zahn, you know? Wow. The body on her. Thanks for the cock block, Geraldo.”

King added, “I hope the free pastrami was worth it, you schmuck.”

Ate Sushi Off Doris Kearns Goodwin’s “Caboose”

“You may not realize this now, but the great American historian Doris Kearns Goodwin used to be a knockout. A caboose on her like a summer peach.” King went on to explain, “So this is back in the early eighties, we’re at one of the first sushi restaurants in New York, and Doris and I are getting frisky over a bottle of sake. She’d slipped off her shoes and was rubbing her foot over my man regions. So we asked for our check, a doggy bag and escaped to her apartment. As soon as we got through the door, Doris stripped like a Technicolor cartoon. It was the first time I ever ate raw fish off a famous historian’s tail lights.”

Asked if that meant he’d eaten sushi off other naked people, King told Al Jazeera, “Does a Jew order Chinese food on Christmas? Of course. I’ve lapped sushi off the flesh of hundreds of legends.”

King provided a short list, which included Charo, Richard Nixon, Dolly Parton, Burt Reynolds, former ABC Newsman Frank Reynolds, Cher, Margaret Thatcher, Spuds McKenzie, Bea Arthur, Judy Woodruff, Marlon Brando, Barbara Walters, Cary Grant, Ruth Buzzi, Dr. Phil, Zsa Zsa Gabor, George C. Scott, Kate Smith, Grace Jones, Tom Jones, Chuck Jones, Sharon Jones, Jim Jones, The Jonas Brothers, Judge Judy, Vincent Price, Julia Child and Jim Lehrer.

Turned Down Lead Role in “Raiders of the Lost Ark”

“Little known fact, the original script called for a skeletal old man with a severe heart condition. It was, you know, a very different movie then. It wasn’t until I passed on it and Harrison came aboard that they added the action sequences and a story that would draw an audience.”

King grimaced, saying, “Look, I always promised Harrison I wouldn’t tell anyone. But people know me as a truth-teller, the street guy from Brooklyn with smoked fish tucked under his arm and brass knuckles on each hand. I’m the original pimp, a sex machine, a hustler, a dope fiend, the latke gangsta. I killed a guy back in the sixties for a box of Crackerjacks. I didn’t even like Crackerjacks — I did it for the free toy.”

“So yeah, I was the first Indiana Jones,” he continued. “The cat’s out of the bag. If Harrison has a problem with me saying that, he knows where to find me. Oh, by the way, I nailed Calista Flockhart in her prime.”

He’s a “Gentile Woman” and Marsupial

Another shocking revelation came when King admitted, “I’m actually a gentile woman and part marsupial.”

King explained that a rare hormone condition and ubiquitous use of suspenders have helped him hide this from the public’s eye.

“It will be a relief to finally stop using so much Yiddish and to openly schlep — I mean carry — my stuff in the pouch that the good Lord gave me.”

Slept with Barbara Bush Too Many Times to Remember

“People always say, you know, Barbara resembles George Washington. Maybe,” he said with a laugh, “this sounds strange to some people, but I always thought there was something hot about the father of our country. I mean that in a man-crush kind of way. All that unabashed doughy whiteness. I can’t explain it exactly — I’ll leave that to psychologists — but Babes and I had a torrid affair throughout the Reagan and first Bush administration.”

King went on to describe their encounters in lurid detail.

“I’d close my eyes and pretend I was crossing the Delaware,” he explained. ‘What can I say? It was exhilarating. Here I am — this schlub from Brooklyn — with my putz in the first lady, pretending I’m schtupping the father of our country. And I’m thinking, ‘How did I get here? What a life. What a life for me.”

—-

Cross-posted from The Wounded-Courier, the satirical news division of MediaBloodhound.

3 replies »

  1. this is why i come to s&r every day or two…..my goldschlaager literally came out of my nose at least three times!

    oh, and icanhaznodecaf slammy!

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