Oh, the sheer deliciousness of it all. Manny Ramirez has been busted for using.
The word is that ManRam didn’t actually use steroids.
However, two sources told ESPN’s T.J. Quinn and Mark Fainaru-Wada that the drug used by Ramirez is HCG — human chorionic gonadotropin. HCG is a women’s fertility drug typically used by steroid users to restart their body’s natural testosterone production as they come off a steroid cycle. It is similar to Clomid, the drug Bonds, Giambi and others used as clients of BALCO.
This may be even sweeter, for a couple of reasons. First, this line: “…typically used by steroid users to restart their body’s natural testosterone production as they come off a steroid cycle.” Outing Manny for roid use would have been great, but the next best thing is the lingering shadow of suspicion that’s bound to follow him around for the rest of his career (and, with luck, well into the latter years of his Hall of Fame eligibility).
Second, there’s this: “HCG is a women’s fertility drug…” Ohhh, my. Too. Many. Jokes. Let’s see, how about the Top Ten Things Heard Around Dodger Stadium:
10: Manny’s looking to lead the league in hits, homers, RBIs and C-sections?
9: So, who wants me to rub some “pine tar” on their “bat”?
8: Wonder if his man-boobs will interfere with that gorgeous swing?
7: So he wasn’t intentionally being bitchy last season in Boston. It was just his time of the month.
6: Now batting, left fielder Rosie O’Donnell.
5: Mr. Ramirez, time for your bikini wax appointment.
4: I don’t care what his batting average is, I am not washing his bra.
3: “Daddy, why is that man’s shirt all wet in the front?” “He’s lactating, son.”
2: It’s not the Octo-Mom’s fault – she was just trying to be like Manny.
1: I hear the Dodgers had to add “no breast feeding the ball boys” to their sexual harrassment policy.
For those who haven’t followed the story and who don’t understand my glee here, ManBoobs last year redefined the term “clubhouse cancer.” He had always been something of a character, and everybody who follows the game probably got used to hearing the phrase “that’s just Manny being Manny” at least once a week.” But in 2008 “Manny being Manny” turned into “Manny being one of the worst punks in baseball history.” He was mad about his contract situation and made himself such an insufferable festering boil on the ass that the Red Sox had no choice but to trade him. What was worst of all, though, wasn’t his behavior in the locker room, it was his on-field antics. We’ll be kind and say that he didn’t put forth the best effort that expect of a highly-paid professional and leave it at that.
That was bad enough. Now add in that I’m a Red Sox fan and it should start making some sense.
So, Manny. It’s a bitch when Karma comes a-calling. You’re not the first prima donna who wasn’t happy with his contract situation. Although I believe you probably are the first one to pitch a galloping hissy fit over a $17M a year contract (or whatever the goddamned Monopoly money number was). Fine. Deal with those issues like a man, you ungrateful, gutless, out-of-touch multimillionaire motherfucker. Across the country (and around the entire world) people are playing the game with respect and reverence, and almost all of them are doing it for nothing except the joy of the sport.
Respect the game, Tittie-Boy. Bad things happen to those who don’t.
Walt Whitman once said, “I see great things in baseball. It’s our game, the American game. It will repair our losses and be a blessing to us.” You could look it up. – Annie Savoy