American Culture

Octomom and Ookie: two reality shows for the price of one

A refreshing side-effect of the Octomom phenomenon has been how little abuse Nadya Suleman has taken for her obviously Muslim given name. Her father is apparently from Iraq: In January, he told CBS News that he’s a veteran of its military and — in a sign of just how feeble the American economy is — that he planned on returning to Iraq to find work.

Googling “Octomom” with “Muslim” or “Islam” reveals precious little enmity directed at her. Perhaps facetiously, the question has been raised, though she’s Christian, of whether she’s on a mission from Allah to wage demographic jihad against the West. About the worst I could find was a commenter on Free Republic (where else?), who asked why the state is “subsidizing this Allah worshiper.”

Perhaps the reason Nadya isn’t subjected to more grief is that those inclined to blame her for siphoning off more than her fair share of government aid are part of the same crowd that smiles approvingly at her for acting like a good Christian who goes forth and multiplies. Hey, it’s not her fault that the Bible says “multiply” when what it really means is “add.” At least it doesn’t advise believers to go increase exponentially.

Taking “go forth and multiply” even more literally than Octomom is the Discovery Channel’s Duggar Family, currently weighing in with 18 children. You know them: Michelle Duggar is the mother to whom the phrase-gone-viral “Your vagina is not a clown car” was applied before Nadya. (Technically speaking, it would be the uterus that one should refrain from using as a clown car.)

As for Nadya’s moniker, it’s neither been tracked back to a source nor has anyone stepped forth to claim credit for inventing it. That’s surprising because, with its allusion to an octopus’ tentacles capturing Nadya’s apparent need to grab all the babies, attention, and presumably love that she can for herself, it’s sheer genius.

The name’s potential isn’t lost on Nadya, though. Smoking Gun reports that her lawyers filed an application with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to trademark the word, which she hopes to use as a brand name for disposable diapers and clothes. First, though, her lawyers need to overcome the obstacle presented by a video-game company that beat them to the punch by trademarking the name for an iPhone game. While awaiting the name change, the game is called Fertile Myrtle, after the central character. When players depress her belly, she ejects babies.

Octomom is also discussing a reality show with TV networks for the not-too-distant future. At which point, the kids will be old enough to create the requisite pandemonium while she plots her return to the dating scene.

Another public name mentioned in connection with a prospective reality show is Michael Vick (Ookie, as court papers reveal, to his Bad Newz kennel friends). Though his agent claims they seek no such show, his lawyers did mention to a bankruptcy judge that their client hopes to earn $600,000 in a post-prison release documentary.

Perhaps Vick’s camp is concerned that a reality show might subvert his plans to be reinstated to the NFL. But a show that portrays Vick performing public service might actually help restore him to the good graces of NFL commissioner Roger Godell.

How about if Ookie moved in with Octomom to help her out and spare the state some public assistance? His duties would include feeding, bathing, and diapering the the octuplets. (While Nadya, presumably, would plot their marketing.) Ookie would also function as Nadya’s BFF, propping up her self-esteem and, when she prepares for a date, applying body make-up to her stretch marks.

But that’s not all. To atone for the abuse and murder of dogs, Ookie will raise eight puppies — toy dogs, the better to facilitate his humiliation — one for each baby: an Australian silky terrier for Jonah, a Bichon Frise for Jeremiah, a Chihuahua for Josiah, a Japanese Terrier for Makai, a Maltese for Nariah, a Pekingese for Isaiah, a Pomeranian for Maliah, and a pug for Noah. He could call it the Good Newz kennel.

And he thought prison was hard.

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