American Culture

Jesus on the Super Bowl: "I fucking hate Kurt Warner"

I was talking to Jesus the other day and the subject of the Super Bowl came up. Oh, I know what some of you are thinking – this guy talks to Jesus? Right. But just because I play for another team now doesn’t mean I’ve shunned all my former teammates. You think Ken Whisenhunt doesn’t still talk to people in Pittsburgh?

So yeah, we talk. I’ve even applied for a couple jobs up there over the years.

Anyway, I asked Him who He was pulling for. He’s a big sports fan, obviously (“I created sports, remember?”), but tries to stay neutral. This year is a little different, though: “I’m pulling for the Steelers.” I was a little shocked, so I asked why.

“Because I fucking hate Kurt Warner.” I laughed a little as He wound up into one of His famous rants (imagine the whole money changers in the temple scene played out on FieldTurf, if you need a visual).

“Every time they stick a microphone in front of his mouth he has to yap about his personal Lord and Savior yada yada yada. Doesn’t matter what the question was. ‘Kurt, did you remember to pick up some milk at the store?’ ‘I’d like to give thanks to my personal Lord and Savior.’ He can’t say hello without praising Me. It’s like being stalked.”

Well, I said, you did give him a pretty big break. I mean, before you stepped in he was working night shift in a grocery store.

“Sure, I gave him a shot. Come on – special needs bag boy at a Hy-Vee in Gilbertville makes it to the Super Bowl? What a marketing hook that was, right? It was like Rudy on a steroid/holy water cocktail. But Warner seems to think I’ve possessed his every thought and action. He’s not a quarterback, he’s an avatar. He thinks I’m playing him on Madden.”

Not every thought and action, I said. You don’t hear much out of him when he loses one.

And here’s where Jesus just about went nukular. “That’s RIGHT! Yeah, he won a Super Bowl. But then he broke his hand, and then he lost one he should have won. Then things went to hell so badly that St. Louis cut him and replaced him with Mark Freakin’ Bulger, of all people. Then he goes to New York and winds up as Eli Manning’s towel boy. Then he winds up as Playboy Matt Leinart’s backup for a team that hasn’t won anything since America was all nervous about The Kaiser!

“For the love of Dad – look at his wife’s haircut. Is that the sort of thing you let happen to someone you like?

“You’d think he’d have gotten the message, wouldn’t you? Dude, He’s just not that into you!

Okay, okay, I say, but you gotta admit. He’s had a nice little comeback this year. It’s easy to see why a guy who consults the scriptures before mowing the lawn might think you’d been pulling a Job on him.

“But I had nothing to do with this season. In case you haven’t been paying attention, I’ve had a lot of other stuff to worry about, between Gaza and trying to win the mother of all bets with Gabriel…”

Wait, what bet?

“Oh yeah, I bet him I could put a black man in the White House. He has to do my laundry for a thousand years now.”

Anyway, so you’re not behind Warner’s resurgence?”

“Hell, no. I haven’t had time to sit down and watch an entire game all year. When somebody told me the Cardinals made the playoffs I nearly fainted. I thought Leinart was still starting for them.”

So you’re rooting for Pittsburgh because you’re sick of Kurt Warner?

“You bet. I want him to play so badly that he gets benched and they lose by 100. I want James Harrison to rip his leg off and beat him unconscious with it. Then I want to hear him thank Me for it in a post-game interview.”

This went on for a few more minutes, but you get the jist.

As you can probably tell, the Bible failed to capture the full spectrum of Jesus’ personality, and for my money the Good Book could have been a lot more entertaining than it was. Anyway, He and I are getting together for lunch in a couple of weeks. If Arizona loses today it’s going to fun to hear Him gloat, and the cheap bastard may even pick up the check. If the Cards win, though, He’ll be madder than He is already, and that might be even more fun…

5 replies »

  1. Lord have mercy on poor Kurt Warner, actually it sounds like he’s out of bounds on that one. May James Harrison have mercy on poor Kurt Warner as he does the Lord’s bidding.

    You think that they hand wash in heaven or have those fancy, energy efficient front-loaders?

  2. Warner may be a Jesus Junkie ™, but it’s still better than being from fugging Pittsburgh!

    (All rustbelt teams suck!)