Jesus Christ leads Gators to BCS title

jesustebowIn an inspirational finale to the 2008-9 college football season, Jesus Christ ran for 109 yards and threw for 231 yards and two touchdowns to lead the University of Florida to a 24-14 victory over Oklahoma in the BCS “national championship” game. It capped a perfect season for the sport’s first infallible human being, who gave all the credit to His personal Lord and Savior, Himself.

The game was a dramatic one from the outset. Midway through the first period, the Son of God incarnate appeared to have committed the first mistake of his life, when He had a pass intercepted by the Sooners’ Nic Harris at the Oklahoma 38 yard line. The pick sparked a momentary crisis of faith for the FOX Sports game announcers, who came into the game with a resolute belief in the Revelation of St. Warner. (During the fourth quarter of St. Louis’s 2000 Super Bowl victory over the Tennessee Titans, an angel of the Lord appeared to Ram quarterback Kurt Warner, singing hosannas and testifying that “unto Gainesville will come a savior, and His number shall be 15.”)

When Oklahoma’s Gerald McCoy picked off a second Christ throw in the second quarter, the entire orange-and-blue clad Section 104 renounced its faith en masse and fled the stadium in despair. The interception was the result of Oklahoma’s temptation of Christ with the zone blitz, a tactic that one FOX analyst described as a “tool of the devil.”

As it turned out, however, the events of the first half were all part of God’s Master Plan. As he left the field for the locker room, Florida head coach Urban Meyer paused to tell FOX sideline reporter Rick Warren that “the Lord works in mysterious ways. In the LORD put I my trust: how say ye to my soul, Flee as a bird to your mountain?” He added, “I also think our defense has done a really good job containing their passing game.”

In the second half it became clear that Christ’s two interceptions had been little more than a divine test for the Florida faithful, as the Gator defense continued to throttle Heisman trophy winner Sam Bradford and the high-octane Sooner air attack. As the third period ended and the cameras panned the Florida sideline, where the players and coaches pointed four fingers toward Heaven, the FOX announcers led America in a prayer of repentance for their earlier doubt. They then spent much of the final period period ritually fellating Christ, praising his ministry to the poor and relating that, during the pre-game meal, he fed the entire Gator contingent with five loaves and two fishes.

As the final seconds ticked away, Jesus performed his last miracle of the season by turning a cooler of Gatorade into wine. Two of His disciples then anointed victorious coach Meyer with the contents of the sacred vessel.

In a postgame interview Christ, who was standing on a puddle that had collected in the south end zone, announced that He will forgo His senior year of eligibility to be betrayed by an unnamed Florida State linebacker and crucified for the sins of Mankind.

Christ, who currently carries a 4.0 GPA while majoring in English, Physics, Biology, Sociology, History, Physical Education, Philosophy, Economics, Journalism, Chemistry, Political Science, Mathematics, Rocket Surgery and, of course, Religious Studies, boarded a plane bound for Africa immediately after the game, where he will spend the off-season healing lepers and resurrecting the dead.

11 replies »

  1. In a postgame interview Christ, who was standing on a puddle that had collected in the south end zone, announced that He will forgo His senior year of eligibility to be betrayed by an unnamed Florida State linebacker and crucified for the sins of Mankind.

    I hope he gets back from Africa soon, because I’m dying here.

  2. Tim is a good kid but the super christy theme is a bit much…you just made my week.

    Great satire, great post.

  3. It`s fortunate that when jesus timbo gets nailed to the field by some linebacker,there will be no brain to injure…….lodeee,lodee lodee….praise the LOAD !!

  4. Let’s not forget that he spent his summer vacation last year over in the Philippines cutting the foreskins off of little boys without any medical training and without the boys’ consent and then came back home and bragged to the local press about how cool it was to cut part of another person’s body off with his hands shaking so badly that he was afraid he would “miss”.

    But hey, when you’re the incarnation of the Christ who needs any stinkin medical training and who needs consent?

    I think the man is seriously creepy.

  5. Sorry, thought I was moderated out. I feel very strongly about this issue, and feel that sports fans everywhere must take action against the panderers who pollute that which is pure, our sports.

  6. I have been moderated out. What a shame, that I can’t express my “discomfort” at the holy roller networks that prosletyze, propagandize and pollute our public airways with their religious ignorance. There is no other way to say it, no matter if you chose to delete my comment. What are you afraid of?, the truth needs exposure. Ignorance is a big part of network actions, since only xtians are given exposure. If you can’t live with truth than get the hell out of the internet.

    Please post my original comment, and undo the damage you did to my second. Thank you.

    • Jimbo: I have no idea what you’re talking about. You weren’t moderated out at all, and even if we were going to moderate somebody out, it surely wouldn’t be for THOSE sentiments. If I recall, you somehow submitted the comment twice. I did delete the duplicate, but not the original.

      If both are gone, then something weird happened in the machine. Feel free to re-post it.