Obama said to pick newly created 'Leakmaster General'

by Brad Jacobson

After days of leaks coming from the Obama transition team, the President-elect has reportedly decided to go the path of least resistance, embracing the enlarged prostate flow of chatter with the new cabinet position of Leakmaster General.

Former Clinton administration officials involved in the transition, who declined to give their names because “that would kind of spoil a leak,” say the Leakmaster General’s duties will be to deliver all leaks, however nonsensical, through a central command — the Office of Leaks, Gossip and Utter Horseshit (OLGUH).

Other Clinton administration officials close to the transition efforts say that Obama has chosen Lanny Davis, former special counsel to President Clinton and longtime Hillary loyalist, to fill this new cabinet position. Reached for comment, Davis declined to confirm the leak. A few minutes later, however, he called back from another number, disguised his voice, gave his name as “Gustav Demetri Jones Jr. III,” and said, “If Lanny Davis wants this position, it’s his for the taking.”

According to acquaintances of friends of anonymous children of Clinton insiders once associated with the transition team, John Podesta, Obama transition chief and former Clinton White House chief of staff, hand-picked Davis for the position himself, calling him, “A sieve with legs.”

But a high school classmate of Obama’s, Heddy Sipperstein, told The New York Times this afternoon, “These reports of Obama going with the flow, don’t believe ’em. I just spoke with some Clinton insiders last night at an underground DC rave fundraiser for baby boomer lobbyists with Restless Leg Syndrome. They say Obama is mad pissed, Bubbeleh, and this Leakmaster General post is just a ploy to play it cool.”

A red-haired man dressed like a court jester outside a Greyhound bus station in Detroit said he was contacted by aliens in his head who are friends with current Hillary Clinton supporters attached to the transition process.

“They say nothing is what it seems like, man. The ghosts are in the machine, you know. Big Bird for Secretary of Defense. Wolf Blitzer for Minister of the Beard. Wolf Boy for Secretary of Norelco. Number nine, number nine! Bill Clinton is not W.C. Fields but Mrs. Fields cookies never put country first. Knock-knock. Who’s there? Can only tell you on condition of anonymity. Th-the-the-the-the-that’s all, folks!”

Asked if Hillary Clinton would make a good Secretary of State, the man replied, “Sure, as long as she’s willing to work for President Obama and put any future presidential aspirations on the back burner.”


Cross-posted from The Wounded-Courier, the satirical news division of MediaBloodhound.

2 replies »

  1. Thanks for the inside scoop, Brad.

    There are a couple of articles talking about the steady stream of cabinet leaks from the transition team.

    The first is from the Post with the gist of ‘After a long campaign of being leak-free, Washington finally showed some weak-spots in the armor.’

    Contrast this with David Brooks over at the Gray Lady who says “The fact that they can already leak one big appointee per day is testimony to an awful lot of expert staff work.”

    Having looked at the way Obama handles these things during the past couple of years, I see Brooks having the right idea about this. His team cranking out a new batch of freshly baked ‘I’m on top of it and I’m working hard to fix this mess’ every day. He’s keeping the spotlight on his transition with a consistent message of clear, smart choices that will surround him in the White House.