by Brad Jacobson
After days of leaks coming from the Obama transition team, the President-elect has reportedly decided to go the path of least resistance, embracing the enlarged prostate flow of chatter with the new cabinet position of Leakmaster General.
Former Clinton administration officials involved in the transition, who declined to give their names because “that would kind of spoil a leak,” say the Leakmaster General’s duties will be to deliver all leaks, however nonsensical, through a central command — the Office of Leaks, Gossip and Utter Horseshit (OLGUH).
Other Clinton administration officials close to the transition efforts say that Obama has chosen Lanny Davis, former special counsel to President Clinton and longtime Hillary loyalist, to fill this new cabinet position. Reached for comment, Davis declined to confirm the leak. A few minutes later, however, he called back from another number, disguised his voice, gave his name as “Gustav Demetri Jones Jr. III,” and said, “If Lanny Davis wants this position, it’s his for the taking.”
According to acquaintances of friends of anonymous children of Clinton insiders once associated with the transition team, John Podesta, Obama transition chief and former Clinton White House chief of staff, hand-picked Davis for the position himself, calling him, “A sieve with legs.”
But a high school classmate of Obama’s, Heddy Sipperstein, told The New York Times this afternoon, “These reports of Obama going with the flow, don’t believe ’em. I just spoke with some Clinton insiders last night at an underground DC rave fundraiser for baby boomer lobbyists with Restless Leg Syndrome. They say Obama is mad pissed, Bubbeleh, and this Leakmaster General post is just a ploy to play it cool.”
A red-haired man dressed like a court jester outside a Greyhound bus station in Detroit said he was contacted by aliens in his head who are friends with current Hillary Clinton supporters attached to the transition process.
“They say nothing is what it seems like, man. The ghosts are in the machine, you know. Big Bird for Secretary of Defense. Wolf Blitzer for Minister of the Beard. Wolf Boy for Secretary of Norelco. Number nine, number nine! Bill Clinton is not W.C. Fields but Mrs. Fields cookies never put country first. Knock-knock. Who’s there? Can only tell you on condition of anonymity. Th-the-the-the-the-that’s all, folks!”
Asked if Hillary Clinton would make a good Secretary of State, the man replied, “Sure, as long as she’s willing to work for President Obama and put any future presidential aspirations on the back burner.”