by Brad Jacobson
Tactic: Dress a small band of Alaskan National Guard troops in Russian military attire and stage an invasion of the Alaskan border, sending the rest of Alaskan National Guard troops, on Palin’s orders, to successfully capture or kill the “Russian invaders.”
Strategy: Ends questions about Palin’s national security credentials.
Tactic: In addition to claiming McCain invented the Blackberry, assert that he also invented the wheel, sliced bread, fire, the missionary position, whiskey, apple pie, sliders, cleavage, Beanie Babies, oxygen, blow jobs, sunlight, bikinis, pasteurization, nuggies, the handshake, ice cream, poll dancing, Penicillin, the wave, hot dogs, the Theory of Relativity, beer nuts, New Journalism, indoor plumbing, low-rise jeans, Method Acting, rap, Twister, funnel cake, the printing press, soft pretzels, the phrase “dude,” the color blue, moving pictures, “bringing sexy back,” nougat, and baseball.
Strategy: Highlights McCain’s superior record of accomplishment. Bonus: no time left in the campaign season for media to fact-check effectively.
Tactic: Sarah Palin “accidentally” shoots First Dude in the face during moose-hunting expedition.
Strategy: Secures Cheney base.
Tactic: Outdoing David Blaine’s most recent stunt of hanging upside-down for 60 hours, Palin hangs upside down for the remainder of election season.
Strategy: Can’t speak to reporters — or “gotcha”-seeking voters — with all that blood rushing to your head. Dangerous? You bet. But a win-win for us: If she makes it, she’s a hero and successfully nips all press questions in the bud. If she doesn’t, McCain makes her an American martyr: “Sarah Palin could’ve asked her aides to bring her down at anytime, but for the sake of her country she refused to let her feet ever touch the ground. A shining example of patriotism and selflessness for generations of Americans to come.” He will then put Romney on ticket with no time for media to fully vet him.
Tactic: Potential “October Surprise”: McCain fakes own death days before the election, only to rise court-side like a phoenix (or Jesus) at an actual Phoenix Suns basketball game later that night.
Strategy: Leverages McCain’s “Comeback Kid” campaign season persona, exemplifies “Country First” slogan (surmounting even death to serve country in time of need), and locks up evangelical vote.
Tactic: Build an actual “Bridge to Nowhere” out of cookie dough.
Strategy: Americans love cookie dough. (Internal polls also reveal Americans don’t mind earmarks when they are delicious.)
Tactic: If reporter brings up the Keating Five, McCain says, “I love Dave Brubeck.” If reporter replies, “Dave Brubeck?” McCain responds, “Are you saying you don’t like Jazz? Jazz was created in America. Why do you hate America?”
Strategy: Internal polls show most Americans think the Keating Five was a successful late ’50s/early ’60s jazz band.
Tactic: Whenever McCain or Palin wants to avoid answering a question, they respond by saying “Lorne Doone.”
Strategy: This answer will throw reporters off-balance and cause them to switch topic. Example:
REPORTER: How can you claim to run on change when you voted with President Bush 90% of the time?
MCCAIN: Lorne Doone.
REPORTER: I’m sorry?
MCCAIN: Lorne Doone.
REPORTER: I’m not sure what you’re referring to, Senator. Isn’t that a brand of cookie?
MCCAIN: That’s correct.
REPORTER: So what does that have to do with this question?
MCCAIN: Lorne Doone.
REPORTER: OK, Senator, let’s move on.
[See recent Meet the Press with Tom Brokaw to witness approximate efficacy of such a technique.]
Tactic: Promise every American a free rape kit.
Strategy: Obscures evidence that Palin, as Mayor of Wasilla, charged rape victims for their own kits. Plus, Americans love free shit.
Tactic: Create first “Co-Vice Presidency” in which Dick Cheney shares Vice Presidential duties with Palin.
Strategy: Nullifies fears of Palin’s inexperience. Cheney will be there to guide her hand in furthering Bush administration policies while simultaneously helping to push through Palin initiatives such as book banning, ensuring a second Cold War with Russia, mandatory arm bands, and appointing her BFF from high school for Secretary of the Interior because “as a bona fide pet lover, she has two cats, a dog and three hamsters.”
Tactic: Change date of Election Day from Nov. 4 to Nov. 27, Thanksgiving Day.
Strategy: Turkey consumption releases tryptophan. Tryptophan induces drowsiness. Drowsiness will deter millions of Americans from dislodging themselves from their couches to vote. (Internal polls show majority will get as far as undoing top button of jeans before passing out.)
Tactic: McCain wears sunglasses round-the-clock.
Strategy: Lends him a younger, rock star (think Bono) vibe while also masking that blinky “helter skelter” eye.
Tactic: Another potential “October Surprise” — McCain reveals he’s traced a call pinpointing Bin Laden’s whereabouts, telling Americans in a live national address, “My friends, it’s coming from inside your home. Get out of the house! I repeat, get out of the house!”
Strategy: More Americans abandon their homes, leaving them ineligible to vote in November.
Tactic: Palin speaks only in tongues for remainder of campaign season.
Strategy: Couldn’t be worse than what she’s said in English.
Tactic: More Fembots (aka “Pfotenhauers”).
Strategy: In a one-on-one debate with Obama advisers or surrogates, internal polls show McCain senior adviser Nancy Pfotenhauer causes heterosexual men to lose focus of the topic 87% of the time and women, bi-curious or gay, 84% of the time.
Tactic: Officially hire Bill Clinton as a McCain/Palin surrogate.
Strategy: He’s more effective than most of our own people.
Tactic: In next presidential debate, direct McCain to preface each comment with, “In my day, we didn’t have [fill in the blank].
Strategy: According to internal polls, McCain is not coming off as crotchety, narrow-minded and out of touch enough to satisfy the over 80 crowd.