American Culture

Dear Catholic League: suck on this

By Ann Ivins

Mr. Donohue:

The Catholic League’s request to Leah Daughtry to ban the blogs BitchPhD and Towleroad from the Democratic National Convention came as something of a shock to those of us here at Scholars and Rogues. Frankly, Mr. Donohue, we are hurt. Our offices contain no balloon figures of Jesus, with or without genitalia (you say “apparently albino penis,” I say “loincloth” – oh wait! There’s the penis! Or should it be Penis?). Our site features no links to intensely homoerotic coverage of the hottest Olympic athletes, despite insistent lobbying from at least two of our staff members. Our humble blog, unlike Daily Kos, may never become the Internet apotheosis of evil radicalism. We know our place. We are what we are.

What we are, Mr. Donohue, is a blog at least ten times as offensive to the Catholic League as the so-called “patently obscene” publications to which you so vehemently object.

Had you bothered to do any in-depth research, were you the watchdog of God you claim to be, your list of blogs to be summarily uncredentialed would have been headed by the proud though lesser-known name of… Scholars and Rogues.

Perhaps it is not too late; in this hope, I offer you the following information about our staff, practices and standards. May you use it for the greater glory of the League, ignoring in your righteous wrath the craven tolerance and despicable humanity of the vast majority of Catholics worldwide.

  1. If, as you quote Peter Viereck, “Catholic baiting is the anti-Semitism of the liberals,” editor-in-chief Dr. S has raised that pastime to an art by installing an actual Catholic baiting pit in the basement of S&R headquarters. Unlucky male representatives of the Faith are routinely chained to steam pipes and taunted for hours by voluptuous Wiccans bearing wine, condoms and the latest issue of Lesbian Vampire Nuns of Sodom. Oddly, many former victims later return voluntarily and must be chased away by special guilt-sniffing Rottweilers.
  2. Dr. W, senior editor and sexuality expert, has divorced at least nine wives, four of whom are practicing Catholics. With a callous disregard for the traditions of their faith, Dr. W has refused to apply for annulments on the grounds of antecedent and perpetual impotence, thereby dooming these poor women to a lifetime of lesbian vampire sex behind convent walls.
  3. Mr. W, editor, is an official lapsed Catholic and has been heard to loudly profane the name of the Holy Virgin while locked alone in his office for several hours at a time. Repetitive slapping noises and an impressive collection of leather flagellation devices may or may not be related to these obscene outbursts.
  4. Ms. I, token female and possessor of the Moist Pink Gates to Hell, is an outspoken pro-choice advocate; like most of her fellow succubi she has used repeated casual abortions to facilitate her whorish lifestyle and prominently displays a series of commemorative post-D&C “thumbs-up” photos along one wall of her cubicle.
  5. Ms. I also personally fucked Jesus at least twice, possibly three times if oral counts. She stated that although the Savior pronounced his name “hay-ZOOS,” she got a look at his driver’s license in the bar and is confident in her identification.
  6. Mr. L, token homosexual or “quoken,” also claimed to have had carnal knowledge of that same Son of God. In the resulting bitchfight, Mr. L produced as evidence a semen-stained t-shirt bearing an eerie resemblance to the lower half of the Shroud of Turin. Challenged as to its authenticity, Mr. L casually dropped two words: Baby. Jesus. (NSFW) Ms. I ran from the room in tears, only to discover Hayzoos had given her a fake cell number.
  7. Mr. O emphatically denies any unhealthy preoccupation with plaid skirts, knee socks or white cotton panties. He was, however, unable to explain to the S&R site administrator the near-constant traffic between his workstation and here; his excessive Kleenex and hand lotion consumption is also under investigation.
  8. Finally, Mr. Donohue, virulent ad hominem attacks on the defenders of the Faith are an everyday occurrence at S&R, and you yourself are a favored target. A typically bigoted exchange:

Is it me or is he the pervy uncle who wants you to sit on his lap while he talks about the miracle of womanhood?

I don’t know, but he’s apparently obsessed with Jesus’s penis…

I would be, too.

Shut up, you smug bitch!

HEY, we’re ripping the Catholofascist right now, you two.


So what does he say about fucking choirboys?

Who, King Powerbottom Donohue?

Nothing. No comment. He’s like the Switzerland of the Catholic world.

Yeah, if by “Switzerland” you mean “hysterical misogynistic homophobic paranoiac.”

Just an affectionate nickname, bless his heart.

I can only hope, Mr. Donohue, that you will reconsider your choice of obscene and inappropriate blogs and add Scholars and Rogues to that roll of honor.

Thank you,

The Staff of S&R

10 replies »

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  2. What’s wrong with you people? Before you ask them to “suck on this”, offer a knee cushion. Where are your manners?

    Lara Amber