By Ann Ivins
Despite the valiant efforts of a high-tech climate control system, temperatures on the convention floor of the National Association of Letter Carriers were rising. Dismal economic prospects, a steep decline in mail volume, crippling fuel costs, the weakening power of NALC due to falling membership: union president Bill Youngâ€™s keynote address, a litany of impending disasters, had delegates loosening ties, mopping brows and hoping against hope that the panic sweat dripping down their collective backs would be blocked at the beltline instead of puddling inconveniently down below. Faces flushed. Hair fell flat. Eight thousand valiant postal carriers weltered in the humid atmosphere of fear… except for one man.
One man in a skirt.
One man standing tall, proud and exquisitely well ventilated.
This man. Dean Peterson â€“ the modern postal carrierâ€™s champion of comfort and hygiene, fighting advocate for the unisex kilt as an approved uniform option for every dedicated deliverer of the nationâ€™s correspondence.
â€œCooler!â€ thundered this Rob Roy of the Postal Service. â€œEquity! Progress! No more thigh chafing!â€ â€œNot a major issue,â€ snarled the executive committee, and Petersonâ€™s stalwart resolution fell, bloodied but unbowed, under the onslaught of homophobia, ethnocentricity and general dumbassery unleashed against it.
The fact is, a kilt (or manskirt, or unbifurcated male garment, or whatever) is the most logical choice for outdoor work in a hot climate. Women fought for decades to wear trousers in the workplace; now that we have a choice, why shouldnâ€™t our brothers in labor choose for themselves as well? Because Bill Young wouldnâ€™t wear one â€“ and letâ€™s face it, no one wants to see that anyway â€“ does that mean every postmanâ€™s testicles must suffer? Constant squishiness, extreme shriveling, possible fertility problems, odd bald spots; all this and more because a bunch of boneheaded union bosses have decided that skirts are for girls. Feminine. Unmanly. Like this:
Or (whimper) this:
Oh yes. Very, very girly.
Pity the puny men who voted against Dean Petersonâ€™s resolution. They are small in mind and small in spirit. Most of all, they lack the firm, full, gently swinging balls to put on a kilt, hold their heads high, and say, â€œDamn, that breeze feels good.â€
photo credits: Dean Peterson (AP), hot men in kilts (fanpop.com)
Categories: American Culture