American Culture

Big burly (post)men in kilts? Yes, please

By Ann Ivins

Despite the valiant efforts of a high-tech climate control system, temperatures on the convention floor of the National Association of Letter Carriers were rising. Dismal economic prospects, a steep decline in mail volume, crippling fuel costs, the weakening power of NALC due to falling membership: union president Bill Young’s keynote address, a litany of impending disasters, had delegates loosening ties, mopping brows and hoping against hope that the panic sweat dripping down their collective backs would be blocked at the beltline instead of puddling inconveniently down below. Faces flushed. Hair fell flat. Eight thousand valiant postal carriers weltered in the humid atmosphere of fear… except for one man.

One man in a skirt.

One man standing tall, proud and exquisitely well ventilated.

This man. Dean Peterson – the modern postal carrier’s champion of comfort and hygiene, fighting advocate for the unisex kilt as an approved uniform option for every dedicated deliverer of the nation’s correspondence.

“Cooler!” thundered this Rob Roy of the Postal Service. “Equity! Progress! No more thigh chafing!” “Not a major issue,” snarled the executive committee, and Peterson’s stalwart resolution fell, bloodied but unbowed, under the onslaught of homophobia, ethnocentricity and general dumbassery unleashed against it.

The fact is, a kilt (or manskirt, or unbifurcated male garment, or whatever) is the most logical choice for outdoor work in a hot climate. Women fought for decades to wear trousers in the workplace; now that we have a choice, why shouldn’t our brothers in labor choose for themselves as well? Because Bill Young wouldn’t wear one – and let’s face it, no one wants to see that anyway – does that mean every postman’s testicles must suffer? Constant squishiness, extreme shriveling, possible fertility problems, odd bald spots; all this and more because a bunch of boneheaded union bosses have decided that skirts are for girls. Feminine. Unmanly. Like this:

Or this:

Or (whimper) this:

Oh yes. Very, very girly.

Pity the puny men who voted against Dean Peterson’s resolution. They are small in mind and small in spirit. Most of all, they lack the firm, full, gently swinging balls to put on a kilt, hold their heads high, and say, “Damn, that breeze feels good.”

photo credits: Dean Peterson (AP), hot men in kilts (fanpop.com)

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16 replies »

  1. Odd, yesterday I saw a guy in a work kilt buyinbg supplies at Lowes. He was a pretty big dude, so I don’t think anyone would say anything.

  2. Sam,
    If Mike doesn’t get around to sending some I could send her some from my wedding or even Brian’s. You wore your kilt for all three.

  3. He’s lucky all of mine are in a box somewhere that hasn’t been unpacked. And they were taken before I got into digital. 🙂

  4. Bob, I think a lot of things like this are easier for big guys; my husband is 6’3″, and I watch how other men react to him. He doesn’t get challenged much.

    And Sam, I found quite a few websites where your kilt pictures would fit right in…

  5. I’ve got the folder with my scanned wedding photos open right now. Who says I should post a few Men in Kilts?

  6. I remember the first time I ran into a guy in a kilt. It was my first punk concert and at 30 years old I was one of the few allowed at the bar. I was drinking next to a guy in a kilt. I thought- wow what a fat weirdo this guy must be. Turns out he was the bagpiper for the Dropkick Murphy’s (Spicy McHagis).

  7. Saluting right back – celebrating the natural body is awesome.

    Plus I just have a deep appreciation for big burly men of any persuasion.

  8. Personally, if I were a postman, I’d want to have a layer or two of fabric between my family jewels and that pit bull.
    Also, re: the photos? #1. Well, there’s certainly nothing metaphorically homoerotic than a burly man in a skirt and wifebeater holding an enormous wooden pole upright between his legs… .
    #2. “Hey, did you guys see which way the gay pride parade went?”
    #3. If most postmen looked like Liam Neeson, they could wear tutus and still get the breezes and the ladies. But they don’t. A lot of them look like Jesse Helms. Like that image?

  9. I know! I love that first picture the most. And that’s pretty much my point, if I have one. Believe me, it was tough finding men in kilts who weren’t lifting them for the camera. I still see no reason why the homophobia of the few should constrain the genitalia of the many. Isn’t that from Star Trek?

    And as for looking like Jesse Helms – well, I don’t look like Angelina Jolie, but I’m not wearing a burqa in the pool to avoid offending the eyes of the public. If they don’t want to look at my chubby white legs, there are 359 other degrees on the compass, and I will happily extend the same courtesy to any less-than-Liam postman who delivers my mail in this South Texas heat.

    Anyway, my particular mail carrier is HOT.