American Culture your destiny is… um, destining

By Ann Ivins

In the spotlight: upcoming legislative opportunity

Job Summary: Republican Senior Senator from Alaska (well, not originally from Alaska, but who’s keeping track?)

Principal Responsibilities: represent and defend the interests of the citizens of the Great State of Alaska, particularly those who own and operate logging companies, oil rigs, natural gas pipelines, nuclear waste repositories, highway construction companies and salmon fisheries.

Qualifications: Strong dedication to traditional Republican family values, including gay-bashing and sharing kickbacks with the kids. Ruggedly individualistic disregard for human rights, Constitutional protections and inconvenient anti-corruption laws. Must love animals, whether sizzling on the grill or stuffed and mounted on the wall. State-of-the-art barbecue pit preferred.

Required Skills: Creative accounting; grudge-holding and impromptu grandstanding; pork barrel distribution; stealth rider composition and attachment. Shameless legislative profiteering experience a must.

Note: applications through the Internet tubes will not be accepted.

6 replies »

  1. The best part is that he boasted about it to anyone who would listen as soon as he knew it was safe. Talk about the frontier spirit.

  2. Having lived in Alaska, it seems to me that there can be no other state in the Union where the people so vehemently claim to be rugged individualists, yet are so heavily on the federal and oil-revenue dole.

  3. Don’t forget “must provide great soundbites for The Daily Show and running gags for geeks”

    Lara Amber

  4. I did mention “tubes…” 🙂

    And JS, Alaska rocks. Where else does every average Joe get a direct hit off Big Oil’s bong every year simply for not leaving? You can’t beat that.