By Ann Ivins
In the spotlight: upcoming legislative opportunity
Job Summary: Republican Senior Senator from Alaska (well, not originally from Alaska, but who’s keeping track?)
Principal Responsibilities: represent and defend the interests of the citizens of the Great State of Alaska, particularly those who own and operate logging companies, oil rigs, natural gas pipelines, nuclear waste repositories, highway construction companies and salmon fisheries.
Qualifications: Strong dedication to traditional Republican family values, including gay-bashing and sharing kickbacks with the kids. Ruggedly individualistic disregard for human rights, Constitutional protections and inconvenient anti-corruption laws. Must love animals, whether sizzling on the grill or stuffed and mounted on the wall. State-of-the-art barbecue pit preferred.
Required Skills: Creative accounting; grudge-holding and impromptu grandstanding; pork barrel distribution; stealth rider composition and attachment. Shameless legislative profiteering experience a must.
Note: applications through the Internet tubes will not be accepted.