McCain camp launches

by Brad Jacobson

In response to charges that John McCain’s presidency would amount to a third term for George W. Bush, the McCain campaign debuted a new website today,

The homepage explains, “Though John McCain does agree with President Bush on the necessity of the war in Iraq and staying there to get the job done, seeking to overturn Roe v. Wade, immunity for telecom companies’ illegal wiretapping, not speaking with our enemies, offshore drilling, limiting legal rights of detainees, targeting Iran for attack, school vouchers, banning same-sex marriages, opposing increased education benefits for veterans, making current tax cuts permanent, the economy, healthcare, expanding genetically modified food production, and eliminating habeas corpus, or that he voted 95% of the time with the president in 2007 and 100% of the time in 2008, Senator McCain differs greatly with President Bush on a wide variety of issues.”

The site goes on to list many of their divergent stances:

  • President Bush drinks his coffee black; John McCain drinks his coffee black with one sugar.
  • President Bush openly supports torture; John McCain, a fighter for the power of perception, publicly decries torture but supports it while voting in the Senate.
  • President Bush prefers Jen; John McCain prefers Angelina.
  • President Bush helped launch a new nuclear arms race around the world; John McCain wants to spearhead 45 new nuclear power plants right here in America.
  • President Bush wanted Annie Hall to get back together with Alvy Singer; John McCain agreed with her decision to stay in Los Angeles with Tony Lacey.
  • President Bush shows nothing but respect for his wife; John McCain, emblematic of his unyielding independence, publicly called his wife a cunt.
  • President Bush is taller.
  • President Bush prefers the caramel popcorn in a box of Cracker Jacks; John McCain prefers the peanuts. Also, the president gets much more excited about the prize.
  • President Bush famously spoke in front of a backdrop that declared an ongoing war was over; John McCain recently made an address before a green screen that signaled his ongoing fight for the environment was over.
  • President Bush is a breast man; John McCain is an ass man.
  • According to a recent American Enterprise Institute study, President Bush is two-thirds less “mavericky.”
  • President Bush thinks Simon Cowell should be more compassionate to American Idol contestants; John McCain admires Simon’s unvarnished opinions.
  • President Bush was a hard-partying “C” student who got into Yale because of his father; John McCain was a hard-partying student who got into the U.S. Naval Academy because of his father, but graduated fifth from the bottom of his class.
  • President Bush enjoyed Coldplay’s second album for its hummability; John McCain thought it was “pussy.”
  • President Bush is the creepy uncle with a gambling problem; John McCain is the scary grandfather who spits when he screams.
  • Watching the movie “Amadeus,” President Bush saw himself in Mozart; John McCain felt Salieri’s pain.
  • President Bush smirks; John McCain grimaces.
  • President Bush’s dementia was hastened by years of chugging Wild Turkey and doing lines off strippers’ backsides; John McCain earned his naturally, having roamed the earth since the days of the dinosaur.
  • President Bush believed Miley Cyrus’ Vanity Fair layout was in poor taste; John McCain understood her desire to shed her child-star persona.
  • Sometimes President Bush feels like a nut; sometimes John McCain does not.

Cross-posted from The Wounded-Courier, the satirical news division of MediaBloodhound.

5 replies »

  1. What is the old Republican standby? “If you’re explaining, you’re losing?” McCain probably did more harm than good by raising the profile of his “McSame” criticism. If Obama wants to land the knockout punch among those south of 25 years old, he has only to employ a DJ named DJ McSame who tours the nation, wearing a McCain mask, playing the same old crap.

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